7 Things That Maketh Not The Lady

7 Things That Maketh Not The Lady

  1. Tattoos
  2. Tattoos used to be the colouring of soldiers, sailors, mafiosi and punk rockers. About ten years ago, they became fashionable. The lower-middle classes started taking them up. Unfortunately, unlike last years’ shoes, tattoos can’t be taken to the thrift shop and disposed of.

    To a certain class of person, tattoos are ‘cool’. To another, they are a graffito on the temple of the soul. They mark a woman definitively as lower class, alienated, depressed, and a bit daft. They’re also a handy way to identify one absolutely to the authorities. Which shows how stupid some crooks are.

    The same goes for piercings. My family are farmers. I associate nose rings with bulls, and piercings with cattle tags. They are a haven of dirt, infection, and their openings look unsightly.

    With tattoos and piercings, before you’ve opened your mouth, you’ve already typed yourself to people you meet.

  3. Highlights and streaks
  4. Are you blonde, or brunette? Make up your mind! These might have been novel ten years ago. Now they just look common. Not all gentlemen prefer blondes. A healthy head of untinted brunette or raven dark hair is a pleasant novelty these days.

    It is true that blondes have more fun. I used to be one! Most people on the planet are dark. A non-blonde with blonde hair looks ‘interesting’.

    Now this fashion is done to death, however. If they’re doing it in Romford, it’s buried!

  5. Big hoop earrings
  6. Unmistakably part of the wardrobe of the gypsy. Which is fine if you are one. Strangely popular. Perhaps they’re to make the wearer’s head look smaller. Add them to the features above, and an unattractive type emerges.

  7. Binge drinking
  8. Binge drinking, squawking and falling over in the street is hilarious if you are the one doing it. If you are the spectator, it’s less so.

  9. Visible G-string
  10. This is erotic, no doubt about it. Unless you haven’t the figure to pull it off. Likely to provoke a reaction of ‘Mother of G*d!’ when adorning the pasty, blemished buttocks of the ‘full-figured’ young lady. Bad diet, no exercise, five-pints-a-night, then ‘peek-a-boo!’. Agggh!

    I used to wonder why so many saucily-dressed young ladies walked the streets hatchet-faced. Now I know. Half are trying to ward off unwanted vulgar advances from men, the other half are annoyed they’re not getting any!

    There’s nothing sexy about contrived, blatant eroticism. What’s erotic is what seems to be an accident. ‘A glimpse of stocking is something quite shocking’ etc.

    Likely to irritate female co-workers also. Assuming your company allows such clothing. It doesn’t? I wonder why?

  11. Swearing
  12. Your gentleman friends might find this amusing, to your face. What they think in private is another matter. Habitual swearing is another sign of a depressed, angry person. It’s unattractive. The more you do it, the more it corrodes your subconscious.

  13. Breast Augmentation
  14. Also known as a ‘boob job’. These look fine, from a distance. Compared to a natural pair, they look odd. They are to real breasts what a transexual is to a ‘red hot mama’


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T. O'Donnell is an ecommerce consultant and curmudgeon living in London, UK. His latest project is an ebook on conservatories, available at http://www.ttconservatories.co.uk.

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