I’ve been spending quite a bit of time lately interviewing women about what it’s like for them to interact with guys these days. I also have the distinct pleasure of hanging out with my main squeeze Emily every day-and reading emails sent to us by literally thousands of women on her list.
Taking ALL OF THAT information from SO MANY WOMEN into consideration, I’ve pulled together some SHOCKING CONCLUSIONS regarding any “approach anxiety” you may be suffering from. Let’s just get right to the list:
- Women Usually Have No Idea That Guys Deal With Approach Anxiety
- Women Are Literally Stir-Crazy Because You Won’t Approach Them
- You Pretty Much Control The Tone Of The Interaction
- Most Women Are Only Rude To Guys Who Are Rude To Them First
- There’s A VERY GOOD Reason Why Many Women Think Most Guys Are Jerks
This was a revelation that seriously fried my circuits. The first time I ever heard that most women are COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to the fact that men are generally afraid to approach women was from Emily. I thought she had to be joking. But it’s no joke. Seriously, for most women the idea of any man being “afraid” of them flat out doesn’t compute. Generally, they react with shock that guys would be too scared to talk to them…as if they’re so “dangerous” in their dresses, high heels and French manicures.
So how do these same women tend to explain away the fact that like 97% of all men can barely manage a “hit and run” compliment, if they even talk to them AT ALL? Simple…they assume guys aren’t really interested in them. That’s right…they think most guys AREN’T ATTRACTED TO THEM.
Somewhere along the line we as guys developed what can only be described as an “us vs. them” mentality when it comes to women. All over the Seduction Community you read subtle communication that MOTOS (members of the opposite sex) are somehow the “enemy”, requiring that we “target” them with various tactical schemes, etc. Thinking of women as some sort of “non human” species who can’t be figured out may soften the blow of rejection a bit by giving us an easy excuse.
In other words, if you don’t see a woman as simply another human being to be social with, then it somehow doesn’t hurt as bad when that social interaction doesn’t end well. But as much as we pretend that women are some “alien” creatures (from Venus, perhaps?) who are hard-wired to make life difficult for men, here’s the disarmingly simple truth: Really, every woman is VERY HUMAN, just like you. If she wins the lottery, she’ll be happy. If her dog runs away, she’ll be sad. In fact, the only REAL differences are based on the fact that that SHE’S feminine, and YOU’RE masculine. And she WANTS TO MEET a guy like you EVERY BIT AS MUCH as you want to meet a woman like her. In fact, she’s at a total lost (like Kya) as to why you aren’t introducing yourself to you.
Oh, by the way, if you think women are ever going to start “making the first move” on your behalf, you’ve still got to learn about how women DEMAND a guy who can LEAD. Which brings us to the next point…
That’s right, women not only respond POWERFULLY to leadership from a man, the highest quality women DEMAND IT. And sure, women look at how much ambition you have as an indicator of your long term leadership skills, but even in the moment a woman is ALWAYS looking to you to TAKE THE LEAD. I hope it comes as no surprise to you that as you lead in ANY SITUATION, women follow. So it follows logically that if you are all wadded up in nerves and tripping all over yourself when meeting a woman for the first time, SHE is going to start feeling insecure also.
If you’re nervous and awkward, she’s going to respond to you in kind. And raise you hand if you already know that making a woman feel INSECURE in your presence is basically the fast-track to getting NOWHERE with her. Here’s the crazy part, though. Sure, women might expect some “nervous energy” when meeting you, sort of in line with that anticipatory adrenaline rush that goes with meeting someone exciting and new. But remember, women generally are OBLIVIOUS to approach anxiety’s basic existence.
So what is she thinking when you’re completely freaked out? She’s likely to assume that’s your AUTHENTIC self. She’s likely to think that’s how you ALWAYS ARE in social settings. Meanwhile, if you are confident socially and EXPECT to be treated well by any woman you meet, it’s amazingly predictable how often women will be COMFORTABLE WITH YOU, and treat you in the manner you feel you deserve.
And that leads to this…
I recently heard there are at least a few pickup artists out there teaching that if a woman DOESN’T respond to you with a look of total shock and/or disdain when you approach her, you’re probably doing something “wrong”. My first thought upon hearing this advice was that I haven’t experienced that scenario since about tenth grade. NOT EVEN ONCE. And yet, I’ve met PLENTY of women. And it has usually gone very well. Go figure.
Guys, once again women are HUMAN. And they respond to YOUR LEADERSHIP. If you’re rude to them, it is NOT going to end well for you…especially if it’s a high quality woman you are dealing with. If you approach women in an overbearing, obnoxious or flat-out arrogant manner, expect to be responded to in kind. It’s really as simple as that. Want to engage in some playful banter if she seems to have that kind of personality? That’s different. But don’t expect to insult a woman’s person OR her intelligence and create attraction. This is not rocket science.
Having read the previous four points, my educated guess is you can see this one coming. It’s basically the logical conclusion to the discussion. Why do so many women think so many guys are “I/Js” (“Idiot/Jerks”)? Because those are the ONLY GUYS who sack up and approach them.
Seriously, most of us are extra careful not to “bother women”. We may be utterly scared of rejection at our core, sure enough. But what keeps us from EVER EVEN TRYING to overcome that fear is that we want to be POLITE. We don’t want to alarm or startle women by being a “stranger” who approaches. We tell ourselves we’re being respectful to women by honoring their space and their privacy. So then, what happens? Some of the most well-meaning guys are literally “hidden” from a woman’s social experience.
Meanwhile? It’s often the guy without any regard for social constraint, “sensitivity training”, sexual harassment manuals, or even what others think of him AT ALL who ends up being the one guy in fifty who actually APPROACHES any particular woman.
It’s that brash disregard for social skill that causes such a guy to not give a rip about outcomes. He may even THRIVE on getting negative reactions from people (i.e. women). So guess what? Women tend to meet a LOT of guys like that. And it can’t help but cause women to feel as if that’s what MOST guys must truly be like. After all, it’s what most guys who THEY MEET are like! But even so, most great women suspect there’s MORE. Like Kya, they simply want the high-quality guys to MAKE THEMSELVES KNOWN.
Basically, women encounter VERY, VERY few guys who can pull off that magical balance of being BOLD enough to approach her, yet MAN enough to make her feel secure in his presence. Yet, that’s the ONE GUY they ALL DREAM ABOUT meeting. That’s the guy they so very much crave a MOVIE MOMENT with.
Will this information empower you to meet MORE women while feeling LESS anxious about it? It most definitely should. But as I often say to guys on coaching calls, I can pack your parachute and teach you how to “arch, look, reach and pull”. But it’s YOU-and ONLY YOU-who ultimately makes the decision to jump out of the plane.
So you can stand at the doorway and look nervously at the Wild Blue Yonder, or you can take the leap…and feel the rush that goes with it. The difference here, however, is that when it comes to interacting with women, there’s no parachute involved. You’re the only moving part that can “fail to deploy” in this case. Don’t do that to yourself.