How many of you were older brothers? Or how many of you knew guys who were, back in middle or high school?
What was the biggest complaint about the younger kid? If you had a standard relationship, the biggest strain was ALWAYS that your younger sibling hung around too much.
There you were, trying to play video games, and he was always butting in, usually being embarrassing for some unplaced reason. You wanted to go to the movies with your friends, and she wanted to come, and your mom made you take him.
It was so ANNOYING! You had this clinging human that you couldn’t get rid of, you couldn’t get a MOMENT for YOURSELF!
I mean, why didn’t he hang out with his OWN friends? Why couldn’t he GET HIS OWN LIFE, and just leave you alone?
Guess what. You are your younger brother.
Many guys make the CRUCIAL error of opening themselves up too soon to new women in their life, ESPECIALLY very attractive and sought-after ones.
You?ve been there. So have I.
Everything is going great, and one day it’s so great you can?t help yourself. You feel the NEED to SHARE these strong feelings with the woman. You are so HAPPY you can?t contain yourself.
And then it all goes wrong.
Maybe she just seems to cool and slowly lose interest. Maybe she gives you the dreaded friend treatment, or she might even just blow you off completely.
And it doesn’t make any sense. Everything was wonderful, and then suddenly it wasn’t, and you have NO IDEA WHY.
Guess what. You are your younger brother.
The SECOND you open yourself up like this to a lady, she’s thinking “Here we go again.” Even if you haven’t yet, she’s been through this before.
Of course she has. Attractive women have guys crawling all over them every day, and she has to know how to get rid of the rejects quickly. Usually she can tell the weak and self-conscious a mile away, but every once and awhile a guy sneaks past her defenses.
She enjoys her time with him, he seems cool and in control, and then he has to tell her how he FEELS.
Not a trait of the strong confident type. That by itself isn’t what does the relationship in, but it’s what often FOLLOWS that a girl will avoid like a Roseanne bikini collection.
The guy CHANGES overnight from the confident man she enjoyed her time with, into a needy wussy over-sensitive puddle of spongy goo. Probably at least ONE of these guys in her past turned into a STALKER after she lost attraction and gave him walking papers.
Not to say YOU will – God I hope not – and if you’ve got a patient lady she may wait to find out which guy shows up the next few times – the confident man she fell for, or a self-help sensitive whiner who isn’t happy without constant affirmation.
But you spill the beans too soon, and she’ll start thinking of ways out.
This isn’t to say you can never express how you feel; there’s a time in every relationship when it?s appropriate. It’s just that most guys skip ahead WAY too early. And it gives the girls the heebie-jeebies.
Just like it would you.
One time I was dating two women, trying to decide which one to have a deeper relationship with, if either. One of them, on our second or third date, crawled between my legs when we got home and begged me to MARRY her. I mean pleaded, cried, everything.
Guess how long it took me to drop her? Whatever you just said, it wasn?t that long.
She FREAKED ME OUT and I started thinking about all the ways she must be damaged to be that needy. It’s not attractive at all. I went from pitched-tent to frightened turtle in negative 8 seconds.
And you KNOW you’d do the same if someone you barely know said something like that to you.
Start telling a girl too early how much you like her, sometimes even just saying how much you like your TIME together, and the lady has the same reaction.
She goes from snowy-morning pert to steam-bath smooth in the same negative 8.
Not to mention, even if she reacts well to it, the thrill is gone. The mystery is dead, the chase has ended, you?ve got NO power in the relationship anymore and she knows it.
Like with your kid bro, she might evilly give you little missions just to see what kind of power she has over you, just to get the rush and the giggles out of it.
That is NO way to go through a relationship.
Now if, on the other hand, things are going well and she’s starting to want to hear some committal words and you HOLD BACK, the tension and mystery just increases.
I remember one girl I absolutely adored said something shocking to me after a tiff – she said she was very insecure around me because she didn?t even know if I liked her at all. And she LOVED that excitement.
Talk about an eye-opener.
I’m not advocating you play with the lady’s emotions – at least not much – but I AM saying that it’s a LOT better to wait too long than to speak too soon. You retain that sexy control, you have the power in the relationship, and she finds you more attractive that way anyway.
Certainly compared to all the Mr. Rogers clones she’s had to avoid all her life.
Plus, it says all the right things about YOU and your time, that you have a fruitful independent life outside her presence, that you like being with her (or else you wouldn’t be there) but also that you’re ok on your own.
No woman wants to be a mom. She wants to be a LOVER, not a babysitter.
And now, this next part might take some getting used to: it goes against most of what you’ve ever been taught.
DON’T COMPLIMENT HER.
Oh, the occasional comment is alright, as long as it’s sincere and not forced. It’s also alright to use as an ice-breaker when meeting ladies, before she knows who you are, the cocky humor has to be very delicately balanced or you come off like an a-hole.
But when a lady I’m seeing is fishing for a compliment, I usually deflect that away in a funny style.
Say you?re getting ready to go out and she asks “Do I look fat in this dress?” I will often answer with “I wasn’t going to say anything, but?” and get a laugh, a slap on the arm, a free pass on the most dreaded question in datingdom and a turned-on woman.
Take the other route and do the usual cave, saying something like “No, you look great” or “You look great in everything baby.” and it sounds like she FORCED you into that answer.
She can control you. She doesn’t want to be able to control you. She wants a MAN, dammit!
Again, far enough along you can get away with giving a random real compliment, even in response to a fishing question – if you’re independence is strong and what you say sounds – and IS – sincere.
Just don’t overdo it.
On a similar line of thinking, DO NOT go out of your way to buy expensive dinners and presents early in the relationship. If your first dinner is at Spago, she’s gonna feel like you’re reaching to impress her.
Or, worse, that you’re trying to buy her.
That’s not to say you can’t have a first date at Spago, but if you do, it needs to be CLEAR that you were going there anyway, and she’s welcome to come along if she likes.
If you go out of your way for her, she’ll know it, and she won’t like it.
Unless you have millions of dollars to play with. Then it MIGHT work, with certain women.
Otherwise, you’ll just come off as someone desperate for her attention that doesn’t have anything but gifts to offer. Doesn’t make you look like the most attractive puppy in the litter (ironically, puppies that take women to Spago invariably do very well).
So in short, DON’T BLOW YOUR LOAD TOO EARLY.
Of course, to get to the stage of WITHOLDING that inexorable urge to tell the woman everything you feel about her, you have to get the woman first. You can get lucky now and again, or you can slowly learn the mistakes that everyone has to make, you can skip all that by learning the skills from someone who’s ALREADY made the mistakes and now knows what to do to get past all the tests women throw at men.
Yes, Henry Kissinger finally has a dating guide.
Ha, I?m talking about me. You can learn literally HUNDREDS of secrets about the psyche that women take into dating, and how to make them work for you by reading my books The Seduction Science System, 3rd Edition, or any of a score of other books available on my website with enough tips to make Don Juan take notice. Until next time.