By golly, you’ve actually met a woman.
Maybe you’re in bar. Maybe you’re at the gym or laundromat. Maybe she’s
someone you know from work. Or maybe, even, you’re actually out on a date.
In any event, now you’ve got to do something scarey, something
unpredictable, something with the power to launch a future romantic relationship, or end
one before it even gets started. YOU’VE GOT TO TALK TO HER.
What do you talk about? Should you tell her about your childhood, your
therapist, your plans for the future, the wart on your big toe? What if you can’t think of
anything to say? What if you say the wrong thing? And, by the way, what would be the
"right" thing to say? Do you have a clue?
Most guys don’t. When your average gent converses with a woman, he’s
basically just flailing blindly at the wind, hoping by chance that something he says will
"connect" with the woman and make her fall for him.
Needless to say, this is not the "Don Juan" way of doing things.
You need to have a plan. You need to know DEFINITELY what works and what
doesn’t, what to talk about and what not to talk about. You don’t want to leave her
feelings to chance or to fate. You want to be charming and in control.
And that’s what we’re going to discuss right now.
Now there are many many aspects of a conversation. This particular article
focuses on the conversational TOPICS that you should focus on when wooing a beautiful
lady. Those topics which will almost GUARANTEE increased interpersonal attraction. Topics
which will leave you in complete charge of the conversation, and which will leave you the
option, IF YOU SO DESIRE, of future conversations, dates, or an intense romantic
Are you getting excited?
Okay, so WHAT exactly do you talk about?
Well, the first thing to remember is that men frequently err by talking
TOO MUCH. They often monopolize conversations, droning on and on about topics that bore
women to tears. They think they’re "impressing" the women when, in reality,
they’re "depressing" the women.
Just because a woman listens to you and acts interested in what you’re
saying doesn’t necessarily mean she really is. She might just be acting polite while
silently wishing that the date would hurry up and end, or that you would go away… and
never come back.
So key number one is DON’T TALK SO MUCH! Try not to monopolize the
conversation and try to LISTEN to what SHE has to say. Remember, everyone is incredibly
interested in what they themselves have to say. People will talk to you about themselves
for as long as you will listen.
So stop worrying about what you’re going to say next. Focus all your
attention and energy on listening to what the woman is saying to you. Try to visualize or
"feel" what she’s saying.
This does take a little effort. It’s not very hard to do, but it’s not
something that men "naturally" do. You simply have to concentrate.
Now when listening you want to pay particular attention to any
"seeds" or free information she happens to throw your way. Seeds refer to subtle
hints that women give that point to conversational topics that they would like to or be
willing to discuss.
Bob: You come here often?
Kim: Actually this is my first time here. Just moved here from Florida.
Bob: Oh. I come here every week. I love this band. It’s pretty crowded tonight.
Bob is clueless.
Kim gives him plenty of free information to follow up on. It’s almost as
if she’s testing him to see if he has the intelligence or social skills to capitalize on
what she says. Bob fails.
So what would be the "right" thing to say?
Well… she mentions that this is her first time in the club and she just
moved here from Florida. Bob could have properly "watered the seeds" by asking
a) How does she like the club, band, etc? b) What brought her here from Florida? c) How
long has she been in the area? d) Where in Florida is she from? e) How long was she there?
f) What’s it like there?
Kim’s two short sentences gave Bob tons of information to follow up on.
Tons of conversational topics that she has indirectly indicated that she’d like to talk
about. But Bob was too worried about himself. Too worried about the impression he was
making. Too worried about what to say next to LISTEN to what she said.
Do you see the importance of listening now? You must concentrate on what
she says and block everything else out of your mind. If you listen you never have to worry
about what to say next because the other person is "telling" you exactly what to
Kim even subtly indicated that she was attracted to Bob (or at least not
repulsed by him). How? She didn’t blow him off. She gave him some free information to talk
to her about. This may have been a conscious decision on her part or it may have been a
somewhat unconscious act. In any event, Bob didn’t pick up on it and blew his chances with
Keep in mind that if a woman likes you or would like to get to know you
better, she will GIVE YOU free information to follow up on. She will throw out some seeds
for you to water. If she’s not attracted to you, she won’t give you much of anything and
it will be very difficult to maintain a decent conversation with her. No matter how
charming you are, if she doesn’t "help you out some" you’ll eventually have to
admit defeat and walk away.
So be sure to listen for the topics she’d like to discuss.
Now in order to converse for maximum attraction, you need to keep two
other things in mind. You need to tell her about yourself. And you need to maintain a
proper talk/listen ratio.
You may have heard or read somewhere that people like to talk about
themselves and that you should spend most of your time listening and asking questions if
you want others to like you. This is true… to a certain extent.
People DO like to talk about themselves and they DO like those who listen,
ask questions, and seem interested in what they’re saying.
If you’re goal is to charm this lady, you’ve got to do more than that.
You’ve got to tell her something about yourself. Specifically, you’ve got to "tell
her" that YOU TWO ARE VERY MUCH ALIKE.
You do this by making "me-too" statements.
That is, it is desirable to bring yourself into the conversation when you
can relate yourself to something she’s talking about or make yourself seem similar to her.
Kim: I really miss Miami.
Jim: I can imagine. I spent two weeks in Miami last summer. I loved it. Even thought about
moving there myself.
Jim is smooth.
Jim didn’t ask a question (this time). He told Kim something about himself
that made him seem similar to her. Now if Jim has also been listening and asking
questions, then he’s probably doing very well with Kim.
A good talk/listen ratio would be around 40/60 or 30/70. That is, you want
to spend around 30 or 40 percent of the time talking, and about 60 to 70 percent of the
time listening. And you should spend as much of that 30 to 40 percent as possible in the
Think about it this way…
Let’s assume you just went on a dinner date with a lady you like very
much. If you monopolized the conversation and spent most of the time telling her how
"wonderful" you are, you can pretty much expect there won’t be a second date. I
hope you can understand this.
On the other hand, imagine you’d spent the entire two hours together
sitting there, listening, and asking her questions. You probably did much better. She did
seem happy. She did seem to enjoy the conversation. But still…
After the date she’s going to go home and think about the date. And she’s
going to think about you. She’s going to think about whether she should spend more time
with you or not.
The fact that you haven’t said much of anything all evening is going to be
your downfall… BECAUSE SHE HAS NOTHING TO THINK ABOUT.
You haven’t told her anything about yourself. She still has no idea if she
should be interested in you or not. She knows you don’t monopolize the conversation and
you’re a good listener. And she likes that. But that’s not enough to spark any kind of
emotion in her.
Now imagine you’d spent 60 to 70 percent of the date listening to her
(really listening and asking questions), and about 30 to 40 percent of the time telling
her about yourself. Specifically, telling her about yourself in a way that makes the two
of you seem very similar.
This time when she goes home, sits down, grabs something to drink, and
starts reminiscing about the date (and you), she’s going to have something substantial to
think about. She’s going to think what a wonderful conversationalist you are. You didn’t
monopolize the conversation. You didn’t bore her with details of your job, your childhood,
or the health of your colon.
And because you spent a substantial amount of time pointing out how
similar the two of you are, she’s going to think that you are very SPECIAL. (After all,
you’re just like her. You must be.)
People always like others who are similar to themselves. By being similar
to me, you essentially validate my perceptions of the world. I will see you as clever,
intelligent, charming, and likeable… because you’re like me.
(It’s true that opposites do SOMETIMES attract. But only under certain
situations. On the other hand, similars ALMOST ALWAYS attract. You should always go for
the similarity angle during the first part of a relationship. You’ll can reveal to her
your "unique" qualities later.)
And don’t worry or feel cheated because you don’t get to talk about the
things you want to talk about. If you play your cards right during the first few
conversations or dates, you’ll have plenty of time later on to bore her with all your
The first few conversations (dates) are critical and you have to
"play" them right. That means listening for free info, asking interested
questions, and making "me too" statements. It’s a simple 1, 2, 3.