Here are the top fifteen complaints that I hear from women about the men they begin to date. Women are probably hoping that men will read this list and make some changes ASAP. But women also be willing to do their part to see how they can respond to menâ€™s dating pet peeves (and I have yet to see or write this list).
When singles in my classes say to me, â€˜I just hate dating. Itâ€™s so much work!â€™ I am famous for responding with, â€˜You think that dating is work, well marriage is work too!â€™. Those who date to find a life mate need to remember that relationships require both compromise and the ability to ask for what you need.
So today I am listing womenâ€™s top fifteen dating complaints so that men can keep them in mind. Here goesâ€¦
1. Texts to Ask Me Out: Yes, this is a popular, convenient new technology yet many women prefer to get an old fashioned phone call to be invited out on a date.
2. Asks Me Out Last Minute: Many women complain when a guy theyâ€™ve dated once or twice calls them from the corner at 10PM and asks if they can come out. They feel at worst itâ€™s â€˜a booty callâ€™ and at best itâ€™s spontaneous and inconsiderate. Many report that they would like to be asked out on a date with at least three days lead time.
3. Tells Me to Pick the Place: Many women complain when a man asks them out for Friday night and when they say yes, he says, â€˜Great, so why donâ€™t you pick a place and call me later to tell me where we should meet.â€™ These women would love it if the guy could just plan the date and put in the effort to make the arrangements.
4. Calls after 10:30 PM: Another common complaint is that a man youâ€™ve dated once or twice calls to say hello after 10PM. Often heâ€™s in a bar or out at a party somewhere. Women report feeling that his calling them after 9PM is rude because they could be sleeping and his gesture could also be seen as a booty call.
5. Didnâ€™t Pay: Many women feel that if a man asks them out he should offer to pay because the date was by his invitation. Some women believe in gender equality and would like to go dutch. So if the man offers to pay, the women can then explain that she likes to contribute (if that is the case). Sometimes women complain that a man asks her for her half of the check at the end of their first date.
* Something women do (that I do not like) is to give men mixed signals. They offer to pay when the check comes (but do not mean it) so when a man says yes to their gesture, they are outraged. My tip to women: If you want the man to pay, do not offer up your cash when he takes out his money. Just thank him for treating you. You are confusing him by doing this and itâ€™s not fair!
6. Took Me for Coffee at Dinnertime: Often women complain that a man asks them for coffee for the first date and the date lasts from 6PM to 9PM. They are sitting there starving and no food is offered. They report that they do not want to be rude and suggest eating. (I tell them to be honest and say they are hungry but that is another matter). Itâ€™s understandable to meet for an inexpensive low key date like coffee for the first time but if (for some reason) you meet for this long itâ€™s polite to ask your date if she is starving and offer to split an appetizer or grab a slice of pizza. Otherwise you can just keep the date short so you can both go and eat afterwards.
7. Is Often Late: Obviously there are always exceptional uncontrollable circumstances where people are late but women complain that they hate waiting alone for their date for 30 plus minutes. This feels disrespectful to them.
8. Flirts with Other Women: Women complain when a guy asks them out on a first date and then he flirts with the waitress or looks around at all the pretty women there and ignores them on the date.
9. Still Lives With His Mom: This one seems to be an issue with a lot of women, maybe because they take it as a sign that this man is not independent and would not be ready to get married and start his own family. Of course there are exceptions that account for this living situation so itâ€™s important to get to know your date and find out what his situation is and why.
10. Says Cryptic Things like, â€˜Letâ€™s Hang Out’: Many women report that sometimes they do not know if a man wants to be friends or wants to date them. â€˜Hanging outâ€™ is a loose term and theyâ€™d prefer it if the guy made clear that he was romantically interested and wanted to take them out.
11. Talks Constantly About His Ex-Girlfriend: Women do not like it when a date constantly talks about his ex-girlfriend. It is okay to share information about past relationships, in attempt to compare lessons learned but excessive talk about a past partner over multiple dates often points to the fact that he is still not over her nor ready to move on. Women often do not want to be the rebound person if you are not yet ready to have a healthy new relationship in the present.
12. Has Very Low Self-Esteem: Everyone is a â€˜work in progressâ€™ and we all have things to improve upon. So, we are not talking about occasional self-esteem conflicts here. Women report that they go on dates who describe themselves in very negative terms. On the first date they discuss how unhappy they are with their job, report they never do well in relationships, they have not seen their family and they have been in a deep depression. This does not mean that they are not a good person but women feel that if you are warning them not to get into a relationship with you from the get go, itâ€™s probably because you do not feel strong enough or happy enough to form a successful partnership right now.
13. Is Sexually Aggressive: Women complain that men proposition them sexually, sometimes even before theyâ€™ve met! Sometimes it starts with provocative flirting via email or texting. They often complain that this is inappropriate and they would like to meet and get to know each other more formally for awhile before the relationship becomes sexualized. They wish their dates would be more of a gentleman and would respond to their romantic cues, instead of being so pushy.
14. Is Stalking Me: Sometimes women complain when they have been on one date and the guy starts calling or texting them three times daily. Itâ€™s not that he is dangerous but it feels inappropriate or overwhelming. These women would like to let the relationship unfold overtime and would like to be called every other day or to know that you are thinking of them without feeling bombarded or smothered.
15. Says Heâ€™ll Call & then Doesnâ€™t: Women complain that they want clear communication and a man that they can count on. It often raises their anxiety when they begin dating a man that they like and he says that he will call at a certain time and then doesnâ€™t. On his part, maybe it was â€˜no big dealâ€™- he got busy and called her the next day instead. But sometimes women read more into this gesture. They are looking to see if you are reliable, if you care about them and will hurt them. So, it is better not to say that you will call (and then surprise them) then to say that youâ€™ll call at a certain time and not follow through.
The above list compromise the dating complaints that single women from my classes, column, blog and social circle repeat.
Perhaps the â€˜work of a relationshipâ€™ begins from the first date. From the beginning we need to be thoughtful of our partnerâ€™s feelings while still being ourselves. Maybe we call our guy friends last minute and don’t realize that many women don’t like this. So it’s important to think about how to make the other person feel respected so that we can form happy healthy partnerships over time. This means being able to listen to complaints without taking them personally. Complaints can be signals that help us take action that will work in our relationship.
My Best in Love,
Paulette Kouffman Sherman