See if this doesn’t ring a bell… You’re having a bad day – your boss yelled at you for no reason, the dog ate your favorite slippers, you locked yourself out of your car, and the only thing in the refrigerator to make for dinner is a jar of pickles, a can of cheese whiz, and something brown that you’re sure was a completely different color a day or two ago. Oh, did I mention, you also forgot to grocery shop.

Now you’re walking around the house mumbling to yourself, ready to explode. You go to throw something away in the trash under the kitchen sink, but it bounces back out – the trash can is overflowing – tick, tick, tick, BOOM! The next thing you know, you’re standing in front of your spouse, listing all of the selfless acts you’ve performed in the recent past, “I mowed the lawn, fed the dog, drove the car-pool, picked up the dry cleaning, and am about to prepare a gourmet dinner using only pickles, cheese whiz and something brown, the LEAST you could do is empty the trash!”

The natural response from your spouse is to take out their scorecard and start listing everything they’ve done. The two of you volley your personal accomplishments furiously back and forth like some strange tennis match from the Twilight Zone. Soon you’re both angry, defensive and even more agitated than ever before.

This all could have been avoided by not overreacting in the first place. If the trash is full, take it out yourself, and so on. We all must remember that we each have our own scorecards – relationships are a partnership and we each contribute in our own way. Sure, occasionally one person does more than the other – so what. We tend to remember the times when it is us who is doing the majority of the work, but we quickly forget those times when we are the ones who aren’t pulling our weight.

Before you reach for your scorecard to compare stats, try and think of all those things that your partner does for you and your relationship. Just taking a moment to reflect upon all of the positive and helpful things your partner brings to the relationship, just might make the difference between an evening of hostility, and an evening of tenderness. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather turn to my partner for love and encouragement after a bad day, than turn against them.

For those couples just starting out, sharing your deepest thoughts, fears, hopes and desires brings you closer together and helps to form strong and lasting bonds. As relationships continue to develop – couples marry, have children and become more involved in their careers, it’s important to continue working at building intimacy. This helps us as couples to stay connected and adds to the security, happiness and fulfillment of the relationship.

It might sound a bit comical, but by playing a simple game which has been around forever, it’s easy and fun to build intimacy. Remember the game Twenty Questions? We’ve all played it in one form or another. This can be a terrific tool in helping even the most reserved to open up to their partners.

Twenty Questions is a very easy and straight-forward game to play. Each person takes a turn asking a question which must be answered honestly and as completely as possible by their partner. You can take turns asking questions – one at a time, or you can each take a turn asking all twenty questions in a row. The key is to ask open-ended questions – questions which cannot be answered by a simple Yes or No. Moreover, taking time to develop great questions will only serve to make the game more interesting and revealing.

Even those who have been together for many years are often amazed by what they learn about their partner in playing this game. Past experiences and memories are often revealed, deep thoughts and emotions can be brought to the surface, a issue or desire may be shared, etc.

The point, whether you use this technique or not, is to continue to communicate on a meaningful level. We never stop growing and are forever changing, making it that much more important for couples to share their deepest thoughts, fears, and needs with each other on a regular basis. Those couples who work to build intimacy find their relationships much more loving and rewarding, and as such, enables them to better deal with the occasional problem or issue that comes along in all relationships.

If you feel your relationship lacks intimacy or you’re looking for a bit of a tune-up, plan an evening alone, put on some soft music, cuddle up next to the fire, take out your list of questions, and play a game for love.

Editor’s Note:

For a huge list of questions visit 1000 Questions For Couples. Covers lovemaking, religion, careers, money, children & raising them, household work, personalities, the future and much much more.

Out of the hustling and bustling crowd, two people in particular caught my eye. They were an elderly couple – late sixties or so, and were slowly strolling down the sidewalk. What drew my attention to them was they were holding hands. This was somehow touching to me.

As I watched them move further and further down the street, I tried to imagine what their life together was like and wondered what experiences they?d shared over the years. I also thought how wonderful it was after all those years together to still be holding hands – a true sign of their love and devotion to each other.

Soon they disappeared around the corner and my gaze returned to the hurried crowd. As I watched other couples pass me by – both young and old, most seemed disinterested in their partners. I began to realize even something as simple as holding hands seems to be quite rare these days.

Getting up from the bench I resumed my shopping, but continued to think about the elderly couple walking hand in hand. It struck me how important this sort of public display of affection can be and what a wonderfully simple way this is for demonstrating our love for each other.

I?m not suggesting we all make mad passionate love in the streets, but I do feel such things as walking hand in hand or arm in arm with our partners tells them we?re proud to have them in our lives and we don?t mind letting others know it too. A kiss on the cheek in front of friends, a hug while standing in line to buy a movie ticket, leaning over to say, “I love you,” in a crowded restaurant, these simple displays of affection can send a powerful message to our partners.

Doing these things when we?re alone is great too, but when we show our love for each other in public, this somehow is even more special. It?s almost like we?re reconfirming our love and devotion to each other – choosing them above all others. Showing our affection openly tells our partners they are loved, needed and wanted, and that we want the world to see and share in our happiness.

Many years from now when I?m walking with my wife down a crowded sidewalk somewhere, I hope we?re the couple someone notices and thinks to themselves, “How wonderful after all those years together, they still walk hand in hand.”

As I sat with my wife and our two children looking on as the bride and groom exchanged vows, I couldn’t help but wonder what married life would hold for the two of them? All of the many glorious times awaiting them, as well as the many hardships they will have to face and endure together.

Listening to the words recited reminded me of their true meaning and what the commitment of marriage is all about… “for better, for worse, until death do us part.” Powerful words indeed. How easy it is for us to loose sight of these words and their meaning when faced with trouble in a marriage, but how empowering these words can be when revisited – giving renewed strength and courage to continue on.

With tears in their eyes and in quiet voices, the couple exchanged rings. I glanced over at my wife – even more beautiful now then the day we were married, and thought back to our own wedding… how young we were. We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into, nor what blessings our union would bestow upon us.

I thought of all the troubles we have faced and overcome in our years together, as well as the times of great joy and satisfaction. I recalled those times when I lost sight of the meaning of our wedding vows, and how thankful I was that at some point these words were remembered and reconfirmed in my own mind. Our marriage has been one heck of a ride to be sure, and in all honestly, I wouldn’t change one single day of it.

The bride and groom kissed, then turned towards their family and friends as the minister announced the couple to us all for the first time as man and wife. I reached over and took my wife’s hand in mine, giving it a slight squeeze, saying without words, “I remember.”

Perhaps from time to time we all should revisit our wedding vows – whether this be by attending a friend’s wedding or simply in quiet contemplation by ourselves. Hearing or even thinking about these words and their meaning can be very inspiring indeed. Remembering the commitment we’ve made to our partners and the reasons we made it, can help renew our spirit and strengthen the very foundation of our marriages.

Watching as the bride and groom made their way back down the aisle, I couldn’t help but smile thinking; the journey my wife and I embarked upon arm in arm fourteen years ago is really only just beginning… how wonderful and exciting that suddenly seems.

My wife, Diane, was on her way out and I asked her to pick something up for me at the store. Upon her return, I fumbled through the bags she brought home but failed to find the item I had requested. When I inquired of her where the item was, she gave me one of those “Oh no, I forgot,” looks and told me she had forgotten all about it and apologized.

Being the big hearted, considerate and understanding person I am, I of course graciously accepted her apology and forgot the whole thing – right? Wrong! No, I’m embarrassed to say I did not. Rather than accepting her apology (which she truly meant by the way), I let out one of those long, heavy sighs – you know the sigh, the one that lets the other person know how thoroughly disgusted you are with them and that life as you know it may end right then and there. Yeah, one of those.

Of course I didn’t stop there – why should I? I was on a roll, and when making yourself look like a complete idiot, it takes true effort and attention to detail. So following my Academy Award winning sigh, I promptly let loose with a tirade of insulting and demeaning remarks, one of my favorite being, “I ask you to do just one simple thing and…”. Oh yeah, like I said before, I was on a roll.

I did eventually realize how silly and mean I had acted and promptly apologized to Diane. Okay, maybe not so promptly, but I did get it done. (Diane also reads my column.) What I want to get across is not that I am capable of acting like a jerk from time to time – that goes without saying. But rather to use this as an illustration to show how easy it is for us to ignore someone’s apology simply so we may get in a condescending comment or two just to make certain they understand they somehow failed us and we didn’t appreciate it.

The problem with not accepting or minimizing an apology is this only escalates the problem. A snide comment in the face of an apology will only serve to create hostility and resentment. Furthermore, by doing so they’ll be much less likely to apologize in the future or worse yet, this will cause them to be just as unreasonable to us when it is our turn to make the apology.

An apology gives us a perfect opportunity to openly discuss and resolve issues and problems. It also serves as a wonderful chance to show and grow the love we have for each other. I only hope the next time Diane offers me an apology I’ll be big enough to suppress the urge to act childish and accept it with the grace and love in which it was given.