I’m more romantic than my partner. Examples: I make them breakfast in bed, gifts for anniversaries, hint when I want to cuddle or make love, etc. She never seems to act on instinct as I do. She really hasn’t surprised me with a romantic evening (I’m talking the works). This is really getting me down.

Shawna’s Answer:

It sounds like you’re a really wonderful man who can’t seem to get his hints or needs met. Treating people well is so wonderful, and the best way to have a relationship, but can get old if only one partner is doing all the treating well part. Some people don’t think romantically and some are either lazy or selfish but since I don’t know your partner I can only say that you have several things you can try.

Here’s the best and hardest but most effective:

Talk to your partner about your needs and ask for these kindness to be done. I know that this somewhat spoils it if you were expecting thoughtfulness to just spring forth from love, but reality could be that this person is clueless to what makes you happy and no amount of hinting can do what a good conversation can. Be warm, loving, don’t make the other person wrong and ask them for breakfast in bed every other Sunday or that they plan a date or romantic get away one night a month. Lovingly remind them about it and you will begin to build the kind of relationship you want.

Have patience and work at good communication and it will happen!

From the email I’m getting, this is something on lots of people’s minds no matter the age or gender of who is asking. How do you really know if someone likes you? What are the signs you should be looking for? How should you act, what should you do, and so it goes. These questions are as complicated as the people asking the questions are and that’s pretty darn complicated!

The honest answer is that there is no way to really, 100%, know how another person feels. Sometimes you don’t know even after they’ve told you because actions usually speak louder than words.

Case in point, a person says that they really like you, however they don’t treat you with kindness or respect or love. They don’t take you out anywhere nice, never introduce you to their friends and don’t even bother to do the tiny little things that would make you happy like a card or flowers or taking you to meet the parents.

In this case your heart is hoping that the words they told you are true while your head is wondering why a person who loves you would act this way. What a sticky situation and an uncomfortable one too. What do you do? How do you know if they mean it when they say they like or love you?

Here are a few things that you can think about that might help you at least come to grips with how you feel and what you expect from a relationship.

1. No one is “lucky” to have someone like them.

   If you’re feeling like you are really lucky because another person wants to be with you or because you think they are so special that you can’t believe they would like someone like you, you’re on the wrong track already.

   Human beings choose to be with one another. No one is doing you a favor by going out with you. You and the other person decide to spend time together. You must value yourself and your time before anyone else will. If you feel great because you’re going out with someone wonderful remember that that person is going out with someone wonderful too, you! No one will like or love us until we first can like and love ourselves.

2. Respect yourself.

   No one will show you respect and kindness if you don’t first treat yourself that way. Once you do, all other people will too. What we will and won’t stand for is how we develop our values and characters.

   If you respect yourself enough not to do destructive things that you know can harm you then no one else will either. The minute a person lowers their standards it’s easy to follow suit. A simple example of this is when a person cares so little about their car that they throw garbage in the back seat, let junk pile up and then get mad at their friends when they do the same and trash the car. If you put yourself down, belittle your abilities and drop everything to do what someone else wants regardless if you want you, you are showing your lack of self-esteem and confidence. When you do this other people will devalue your time and talents just like you do.

3. Like the person you date.

   I hear horror stories about bad dating experiences and after the person is done describing in detail what a waste of time this date was I usually ask them a question. I ask, “Why did you go out with them?” It never ceases to amaze me when their reply is similar to this, “I went out with them because they asked me.”

RAISE YOUR STANDARDS!

Even if you don’t know how they feel about you, don’t say yes to a date unless you like the person. This way at least you’re starting out in a good place and not just killing time with someone because you don’t have enough respect or confidence to spend time alone or with friends. How will you know if you like them? Talk with them over the phone or over a beverage and find out how they think, speak and act.

The biggest mistakes we make are when we really want a relationship and we’re lonely and so we convince ourselves that this is the person for us even when our heads and hearts are telling us that this isn’t the person.

The signals you send are the ones that are the most important when dating. You will only be ready to read the signs that other people send when you send confident and positive signals: that you feel good about yourself, that you’re okay with being alone. There is no magic person who will make you complete, a date is the beginning of learning about someone else you hope is ready to treat you with the courtesy and respect you always give yourself and expect from everyone else.

1. Do watch your manners!

   Remember this is the time to impress! Watch yourself and eat with your mouth closed and don’t be picky.

2. Do scoop soup away from you.

   Scoop your soup from the front to the back. This does several things, first it gives the soup an extra second or two to cool as you scoop it from the front to the back and bring it slowly back over your bowl to your mouth. Second, it allows any tiny drops of soup to fall back into the bowl on the way back instead of slipping off and landing on clothing or lap. Third, it helps you remember to sit up straight and bring the soup up to your mouth and not lean over and shovel it in like you haven’t eaten in awhile. By the way, all things eaten in a bowl should be scooped away from you for the same reasons and also so you never slop things onto yourself. There are reasons behind these rules!

3. Don’t blow it by blowing on it!

   Anything that comes to you that is hot should sit for as long as it takes to cool before you begin to eat it. Nothing can ruin a lovely time more than watching someone blow on their food, swallow something hot and have them turn red, gulp down all the water on the table or flail their arms around and wave at their tongue. If something comes to you steaming hot, either as coffee, soup or a sizzling steak, let it sit. On this same note, don’t stick a finger in anything to test the temperature, shows a lack of grace.

4. Don’t dunk.

   Like your food wet and soppy? That could be the way your relationship goes if you dunk your food. Generally you don’t dunk things. That means absolutely everything except when it is served au jus. Au jus is what they mean for a French Dip sandwich or a Prime Rib steak. If there isn’t a little cup of something to dip your order in don’t dip it in anything else. You won’t impress anyone when you leave crumbs in butter dishes, donut puffs in your coffee or soggy rolls in your soup. If you are even a little worried about whether or not to even sop up some of that gravy on your plate, don’t. When dining with a date think more about them and less about the meal.

5. Do keep linen clean.

   Those big starched diner napkins are provided to protect your lap from any spills though since you are eating so well you need not worry. They are not provided to blot lipstick, hold gum or anything else you accidentally came in with. If you need to wipe your mouth or nose or get rid of something in your mouth it’s best to excuse yourself and go to the restroom. You’ll be more embarrassed if you leave a hideous stain or something icky on the napkin than you will be excusing yourself from the table. Plus, then if you leave the table your date gets to check out the way you look from the back! Hope you’ve ironed your clothes!

6. Do pay attention to waiters.

   The wait staff at most good restaurants, (and I’m sure you wouldn’t dream of taking your date anywhere that wasn’t nice!) are well versed in which side to serve things and so should you be. Generally they serve to the left and pick up from the right. That’s why if you’re going to leave the table you should leave the table on the left so you can see if someone is coming and not run into them accidentally. It’s always the tiny things that make the biggest difference. Wouldn’t it be nice to not have a crash when dining with your date?

7. Don’t push your plate away when you are finished.

   It seems natural that after you are finished with your plate that you would take it and set it away from you, doesn’t it? But then why stop there? Why not scrap off any uneaten food, stack the utensils and do the job of the bus person too? The point I’m making is that you are at the restaurant to eat and socialize and not to clean up. Don’t touch your plate when you’re finished, let the waiter take it away, it’s their job and it will show your manners if you leave it alone. I’m always amazed when someone picks up their plate and places it somewhere else. What are they thinking? I want to look at the left over food? Leave it alone!

8. Forget the finger licking foods.

   You can order the barbecue ribs when you’re with your friends. Or have the corn on the cob during the company picnic and the pizza when you have a movie ready in the VCR. On an honest to goodness date in a restaurant refrain from any foods that you must eat with your fingers, that drip excessively or those things that require wearing a bib. Unless your date has picked the place and it’s all you can eat fried chicken I’d leave the finger licking foods alone! Do you really want to risk letting your date slip through your greasy fingers?

Okay, I hope that the above eight items have been good choices to add to your dating etiquette menu! The most important thing to remember is that you want to relax, make the other person feel comfortable and not offend by your eating habits or by being discourteous to anyone. You’ll do fine if you take your time and watch and listen. Many waiters and waitresses are worth their weight in gold in how much they can instruct and help you as you move through the dining process. Get ready to have a wonderful time and shine when dining with your incredible date. If it goes really well you won’t remember what you ate anyway!

If you’re looking for a great restaurant to take your date in Saint John, check out Saint John Dining.com!

Mortified, this poor guy dropped the wedge into his glass, which overflowed for a minute onto the table, popped up to help his date without pulling his chair from the table which unsettled the table. As the table started to topple, and the beverages spilled, he reached out to right the table and straightened his legs, which forced his chair to fall over in the middle of the restaurant.

His face was crimson, his hands were shaking, there was iced tea on the tablecloth and his date was sitting with a look of amused disdain. Thank heavens he didn’t try to wipe the seed off her breast!

All the above could have been prevented with just a little etiquette tip that I will share with you now. The rest of this article will deal with other pesky problems you could encounter on a date, or anytime you’re dining. Read on and be warned. It’s always the little things that get you!

Lemon Wedges

When lemon wedges are provided for iced tea, fish, water or anything, and the wedge is not wrapped in net (finer restaurants usually wrap the wedge for fish and entrees), here’s what you do:

If the lemon comes on a plate, you take it off of the plate with your fingers. Hold the wedge in one hand, the hand you will squeeze it with, and cup the wedge with your other hand so that nothing can squirt out. This is a two-hand job!

When you are finished squeezing you can either put the used wedge back on the plate it came on or put it in your beverage. I personally prefer to put it in the beverage since a squished wedge is unappealing and just sits there looking abused. What a way to send a message to your date!

If a plate was not provided and the tea showed up with a wedge on the side, you would leave it on the side or drop it in the glass.

Let’s say you hate lemon and don’t want it, even though it’s hanging on the side of your glass or floating on the top of your beverage. Take it off the glass and put it on your bread plate or the side of your dinner plate. Never put the lemon right on the table.

If the lemon came in the glass floating on the top and you don’t want it, use a fork to fish it out and then put it on your plate. Don’t use your fingers to fish around in your beverage.

Some Points on Butter

What to do with the wrapper if the butter comes in one?
You take the wrapper off the butter with your fingers. Wipe it off the wrapper with your knife and place the butter either on the bread plate or the side of your dinner plate. Fold the little wrapper up with the messy side in, and slide it under the side of your plate. This way no one will see it and it won’t stain the tablecloth or get on anything.

Where to put the butter on your plate?
Usually you place the butter on the small bread plate that sits to the left of your dinner plate. If there isn’t a bread plate provided then put it on the side of your dinner or salad plate. Place the butter up on the top area of your plate so that you don’t accidentally get it on your sleeve. You would never take butter from the butter dish more than once as it goes around, so take a tiny bit more than you think you need. Whatever you don’t use can be left on the side of your plate.

What knife do you use for the butter, the one on the butter plate or your bread knife?
If there is a little butter knife provided, use that to take the butter off the main butter dish if that is how they serve the butter. If there is a little knife with the butter, use that and lastly use your bread knife, but only if it doesn’t already have food on it. You don’t want to use a used utensil in any passed food.

Sugar and Sweetener Packets

After you’ve used the contents, where do you put the wrapper or garbage?
Don’t rip the top all the way off the packet. This way there is only one piece to deal with instead of all these little pieces of paper floating around.

Next, fold this packet down to a smaller size. Don’t wad it up like a spitball and don’t throw it into the potted plant sitting a challenging distance away. Remember you are on a date!

After you have it folded up, slide it under the corner of your plate on the side closest to you so your date doesn’t notice or see it. It will remain there out of sight until the waiter clears your place and then he or she can pick it up and whisk it away!

These three items, lemon wedges, butter and sugar packets, are some of the most common for mistakes. You won’t have a problem with them since you are now socially savvy when it comes to some of those pesky and sticky situations surrounding dining and dating!

Best of luck on your dating success!

When he asked what she was doing later that day her heart went crazy in her chest and she lost her breath for a moment. So this is what it’s like she thought, love at first sight!

When he left the restaurant she noticed his wide shoulders and narrow waist. He has on jeans and a T-shirt and she didn’t even ask him his name.

Later that day as she waited for him outside the restaurant for their meeting she was thankful she’d given herself enough time to go home and shower and change. She wanted this first meeting to be really special; after all, she was already falling in love.

He showed up 10 minutes late, the same clothes he had on that morning and when he got out of his car an empty soda can fell out and rolled through the parking lot. She tried to hide her disappointment that he hadn’t bothered to change his casual clothing before meeting with her, or even change his T-shirt which was well worn and tattered looking she noticed.

“Hi”, he smiled. Her heart leaped again as it did this morning, though with less intensity this time. As he held out his hand to guide her off the curb and through the parking lot to the club across the lot she almost didn’t take it. His hand was dirty she realized, with unkempt nails and a scab on the side of his thumb.

As they moved along the parking lot to a small bar across the way he dropped into pace beside her. She could smell his body odour and though it wasn’t really offensive he didn’t smell clean either. Having him close didn’t make her heart do anything; she was too focused on his lack of grooming and also his obvious lack of concern for making an impression on her.

Needless to say love at first sight turned into a nightmare as the date went downhill from there. Not because there wasn’t chemistry, not because he was uninteresting. It was as simple as poor grooming. In a dating situation, how we groom and present ourselves to the opposite sex is pivotal to our success in getting close.

Here’s some great grooming tips for guys who date, and married guys too! (Don’t worry guys the girls grooming tips are up next, including don’t wear so much perfume!

Be Clean!

Body, hair, hands and nails. Shower as close to the time of your date as possible. Use a nailbrush on your hands and trim your nails to get rid of those jagged edges and hang nails. (If you want someone to hold your hand give them one they want to hold) If you work with your hands it’s even more important to care for them. A woman doesn’t need soft hands to hold her but she deserves clean ones!

Brush and floss your teeth (Yes I said floss. You mean it’s not a habit?). Wear deodorant. Put fragrance on lightly and on your naked skin. (Many people put fragrance on their clothing, which ruins fabrics and usually is way to strong)

Crisp Clothing.

You don’t need an extensive wardrobe, but what you do have should be clean, fresh looking and just laundered. Stained, ripped or frayed clothing makes you appear careless in regards to appearance and sends a bad message. I would also stay away from concert t-shirts proclaiming your adoration for some band from your youth or that say something you wouldn’t want said to your date. T-shirts in general aren’t the best idea for a first date unless that first date is something so casual it’s appropriate. Wear a shirt with some color that makes your skin and eyes look great, come on, you’re trying to win this girl!

Add the Extra’s.

Make sure your shoes are cleaned up. Especially big leather numbers that you haven’t looked at in awhile. Maybe spray the inside with something nice smelling just in case.

Make sure you get rid of unwanted and unattractive hair. Shave your face, neck and check your ears, nose and eyebrows for hair. Pluck out the stray ones that aren’t doing you any good. (If you’re bad at this call your sister, she’ll be happy to pull your hair out I’m sure!)

Clean out your car and put an air freshener in it.

Wash the outside of your car.

Maybe, if you really like this girl pick up a flower on your way to get her and you’ll really win her heart!

Some of you may think that these grooming tips are obvious information, but trust me, I’ve not only experienced this from men I’ve met and witnessed as they were out trying to meet people, but I hear about it too!

Usually the poorly groomed person is not a bad person. Usually the person who doesn’t take care of his personal grooming habits wasn’t taught these things at home, didn’t pick them up at school or has allowed his lifestyle to overtake him.

The reason for this, and all of my articles, is to bring about awareness, help people and make the world a better, and in this situation, a cleaner place!

The guy I’m dating doesn’t open doors for me, in the car or at a restaurant and it’s bugging me. How do I let him know I’m a lady and want to be treated special when we go out?

Shawna’s Answer:

You can handle this in a variety of ways.

First, act and dress like a lady if you want to be treated like one. I don’t mean all stuffy and covered up either. But there are lots of messages a person sends with their apparel and body language.

Second, if you want him to open the car door for you try this little thing: When you get to your destination and he stops the car and gets out, take your purse and put it on your lap and start to go through it as you continue to sit in the car. Put on some lipstick, check your face, whatever. When he gets tired of waiting for you outside he will come over and open the door even if just see what is taking you so long. This is the moment! Be sincere and smile a smile that will let him know he just did something great. Then compliment him! Say something like, “Wow! You’re such a gentleman!” or “I love it when you open the door for me, it makes me feel great.”

Unless he is really dense it shouldn’t take him long to figure out how you want to be treated. The hard part is to begin to wait and allow him to get used to taking better care of you.

For the door situation, when you are coming to the door take his arm in a loving way, slow your pace a bit so he gets to the door just a tab bit ahead of you but don’t let go of his arm. As he opens the door it’s a natural for you to go through first and then you smile that “You’re the best thing!” smile and he should catch on quick. Hope this helps! It has worked for me!

This is the time the dreams start showing up. Not the good dreams of naked bodies and all that stuff, though you have those dreams too, but the lifestyle dreams. This is when you begin to share where you see yourself living, what you would like to live like, how many kids you think would be great and all the other life stuff that makes us wonderfully human.

This is when some of the potential trouble can begin. This is where some of the best relationships start to end. I say, start to end, because a person would never let a little thing like living location stand in the way of a love relationship now. Or the fact that one person wants kids and the other one doesn’t. But if you don’t pay attention to some of these little signs early in the relationship you can set yourself up for a really big fall.

Does a person really have to think about all this stuff? This is pretty heavy and not something most people even want to think about, especially during the dating period. But this is your life, you can design it. In regards to dating here are the dreams to share and the issues to discuss in a fun and casual way during the dating phase.

Location: if one of you loves the country and the other loves the city there could be problems. Though you could have a house in both places and forget about the whole thing! If you’re a film or sports star don’t even worry about this issue. If you’re like the rest of us and can probably count on having one house, at least at first, then you should determine where you dream of living and find someone who dreams of something similar or one of you will be really unhappy.

Kids: to have or not to have, this is the question. Be really open with your date about if you even like kids. If this seems to touchy to bring up just ask some innocent questions like, “Kids are so funny, don’t you think?” or “I love my little nephew, do you have any kids in your life?” and take it from there. You’ll know pretty quickly what your date thinks about lots of things if you phrase questions in a non-threatening way.

Pets: some people sleep with Rover, some let Fluffy eat off their plates. If there’s an animal in your date’s life you need to think about how you feel about that animal. So many people are in love with their animals that when you date the person you get the pet too. If dog hair makes you cringe and your date has a longhaired dog it’s time to go back to the personals and try a different date!

The above three issues are a great way to start to think about what you want and how you really want to live, which is an even bigger and more important issue I think. You have your whole life in front of you from today on. You get to pick how you want to design it and the type of person you want to spend it with. Happy designing!