As we sit by the phone, waiting for that second date call (or call-back) we first begin to doubt the efficiency of the phone company. Then we start to wonder if Mr./Miss Right had to suddenly leave the country in the middle of the night, without a chance to call. Then, realization hits. You’re not going to hear from them, and you wonder how you could have had such a magical experience, while they, clearly, were unimpressed.

Fortunately, there are some clues to help you figure out if your first date is really a heart-to-heart connection, or a just one-sided illusion. Next time you’re on a first date, keep an eye out for these telltale signals:

Give ‘em a Body Check:

When to people are really making a connection, their bodies line up (toe to toe, heart to heart, face to face) and they tend to mimic each other’s gestures and voice levels. Which means if your date is soft-spoken and you’re a shake-the-walls loudmouth, you’ll both instinctively feel that something is a bit off-kilter.

Signs your date is going well:

Watch to see if you find your date is mirroring your gestures, a strong indicator that the date is on-track. Another positive signal is if your date is leaning towards you as you speak. Other good signs to watch for including nodding and tilting the head to the side as you are speaking, an indicator your date is interested in what you have to say.

Danger sign:

If your date is crossing his or her arms while you’re speaking, it is generally a sign of resistance or anger.

Flirting or Faking?

When a date is going well, there’s bound to be a lot of flirting going on from both sides of the table. Key signs your date is interested include smiling, extended eye contact and biting or licking the lip. (theirs, not yours…) Another key signal for both sexes is low-level non-sexual touching such as a brush of the elbow, arm or leg.

Signs your date is going well:

Preening or grooming behavior (such as smoothing down clothes, reapplying lipstick, running a hand over the hair) is a clear sign someone is interested. For women, the classic flirting move is the crossing or uncrossing of the legs, while men tend to stand a little broader when they’re flirting and throw their shoulders back.

Danger sign:

Keep an eye out for flirting that isn’t accompanied by other “I like you” behaviors — this can indicate a purely sexual, not romantic interest.

Two-step on the Doorstep

Another key indicator of a successful (or bad, bad, bad) first date is drop-off behavior when the date is finished. Does your date see you into your front door, or drop you off at the curb and speed off into the night before you have a chance to say, “Thanks for the linguine” and find your keys? Another positive sign is the goodnight kiss that leaves you wanting more, but ends mutually on the doorstep. (A signal you’re both willing to save a little something for date number two.)

Signs the date has gone well:

When your date makes a specific suggestion for another date, (such as, what are you doing next Tuesday?) rather than a generic “I’ll call you” it’s a positive signal that they are definitely interested in seeing you again. Other encouraging signs include lingering after the date is clearly over (you’re in your doorway, goodnight kisses have been exchanged and he’s still hanging around on the porch…)

Danger sign:

Possibly the worst first date doorstep signal is when one person leans in for the goodnight smooch, and the other sticks out their hand for a handshake. A less-obvious sign is a quick kiss or hug, followed by a pat on the back (which can indicate discomfort with the embrace.)

As for that mystery man or woman who appears to drop off the planet after what seemed to be a perfect first date, well, we think it’s safe to assume after a few days that the poor dear was probably mowed down by a runaway tour bus, or had to leave the country due to some pressing national emergency. Don’t take it personally, just move on. And remember, it only takes one first date to meet your soul mate. (Sure, it might be one in fifty-seven, or one in six, but it only takes one.)

We surveyed a variety of top experts and learned five unbelievably effective secrets to make the opposite sex come running.

Here’s how you can use them to work for you:

Be the Center of Attention

Want to be the one who gets noticed? Stand in the center of the
room. According to Dr. Albert Mehrabian, the author of several
books and nationally-known expert in the field of spacial psychology,
where you are in a room (and what you’re doing) has a lot to do with
your ability to attract the opposite sex. Where should you be for the
highest impact and the greatest number of interested cuties?
Smack-dab in the center of the room, standing up and moving around
a bit. (But don’t pace a track on the carpet for goodness sake…)

If you’re in a bar or nightclub, the best place to be is at one of the
corners on the bar. Not only will you meet more people, but,
according to Mehrabian, bartenters tend to gravitate toward the
corners as well. Interesting conversation AND a full drink? You’ll
feel like you’ve died and gone to dating heaven. The worst place
to be seen? Hanging out near the wall or sitting at a table. That
hot stranger approaching your table and asking “may I join you”
only happens in the movies.

The Color Lure

What color can you wear to compel the opposite sex to
approach you?

According to Color Consultant Leatrice Eiseman, Director of the
Pantone Color Institute and author of Colors For Your Every Mood,
women are attracted to men wearing the color blue. And why
wouldn’t we be? According to Eiseman, guys who frequently
wear blue are “stable, faithful, constant and always there.” The
blue guy is a fantastic candidate for a long-term relationship —
someone who’s dependable, momogomous and can match his
own clothes.

And what about the ladies? Eiseman says women should wear
a pink- peach to make themselves most approachable. The
color is “very flattering to most skin tones, it gives you healthy
glow,” and according to Eiseman, projects “a little vulnerability
which brings out something protective in men.”

Want to wear a color that weeds out guys who can’t handle
strong women? Try a deep red, burgundy or plum. Men who
aren’t attracted to strong women will steer clear.

Of all the colors, red is the most sensual. But, wear red with
caution. “Red is the color of sex and power,” says Eiseman.
Red adds an element of excitement and attracts two types of
men – men interested in sex, and men attracted to powerful
women. Sure, you’ll probably have to fend off a lot of freaks,
but you could also end up attracting a guy that isn’t threatened
by the fact that you make a bigger salary.

Concerned your wardrobe is driving people away? Stay away
from what Eiseman calls “squished caterpillar yellow-green”
which is said to repel both sexes equally.

Body Talk That Reels ‘Em In

How do you use body language to attract the opposite sex?
If you’re a woman, the key is to make yourself approachable.
According to nationally-respected body language expert and
professional speaker, Patti Wood, you want to make yourself a
“safe” (read approachable) target. How do you accomplish that?
Don’t take up a lot of space (which is a sign of power and superiority.)
Wood says, “we are strong women, but remember, we’re trying to
get a man to come over and talk to us.” She explains, “you have
to show you have room for someone else in your life.”

In addition, Wood says “to be very approachable women should
stand with their feet no farther than 6 inches apart with toes
pointed slightly inward. ” Other key moves, the nod and the head
tilt – signal you’re listening to what the other person has to say.

For men, appearing more dominant effectively draws the attraction
of women. To attract women, stand with your feet 6-10 inches apart,
and toes pointing outward. Feel free to take up some space. For
men who are victims of the “nice guy” badge, or who appear to be
too submissive to attract women, try taking your Y chromosome
out for a spin. According to Mehrabian, men should “try wearing
bulkier or more conservative hairstyles or clothing,” hold your
head up, and speed up your speech and gestures to be more
assertive.

Body language tips for both sexes: Don’t fold your arms and
don’t chew on gum, ice or your fingernails. According to Wood,
the chewing indicates anxiety or frustration, neither of which
are very attractive emotions.

The Power of a Smile

Psychology and body language experts agree that one of the
most important things you can do to make yourself more
attractive (and approachable) is to smile. Not a great big plastic
game-show smile, just your normal “I’m having a great time and
I’m happy to be here” face will do the trick. According to Wood,
“the smile is the international signal of friendliness.”

Tempting With Scent

Studies show that men associate the scents of cinnamon and
vanilla with love. To make the scents work for you, try baking
some ready-made cinnamon rolls about an hour before your
date arrives, or, wear a cinnamon-vanilla scented perfume
(there’s a fabulous one called “Man Magnet” at
www.stopgettingdumped.com.) Aromatherapy experts have
long-believed cinnamon to be an aphrodisiac. According to
Laura Davimes, aromatherapy and herb expert , and owner
of Herban Avenues, “certain aromatic plants exude oils similar
to our own sexual secretions or pheromones. Wearing
cinnamon/vanilla blends increases the presence of pheromone-like
substances and dramatically increases attraction.”

The scent of a woman? Women, according to a recent study,
are attracted to a black licorice scent. So, be sure to pick up
licorice or Good ‘n Plenty at the theater snack bar. And, if you’re
at a club and happen to spill a little Jaggermeister on your shirt,
don’t worry about the stain, just consider it your lucky night.

When does he usually call you for a Saturday night date?

a) Two weeks in advance
b) Usually by Wednesday or Thursday
c) The day before
d) 10 minutes before he shows up

How often does he call you during the week?

a) Twice a day
b) 3-7 Times a week
c) Once a week
d) 10 minutes before he shows up

How often do you see each other?

a) Every day
b) Two or three times a week
c) Two or three times a month
d) Once a month or less

How often do you call him during the week?

a) Huh?
b) I never call him, or I return his calls occasionally
c) I call him a couple times a week
d) I call him every day

If you stopped doing all of the work in the relationship, (asking him out, calling him, etc.) how would it affect the relationship?

a) I have no idea
b) It wouldn’t change a bit – he’s doing most of the pursuing.
c) It would slow down considerably – I’d probably see him half as much.
d) Goodbye relationship, hello H䡧en Dazs. He doesn’t do much pursuing, so if I stopped calling and making dates, I’d probably would never see him again.

When he asks you out on a date, who pays?

a) He always pays
b) He usually pays, but I offer sometimes
c) We usually split the check
d) I usually pay for the date

How to Score:

Mostly As – This guy is either head over heels in love, or it’s early in the relationship and you haven’t had sex yet. Maybe both. While the eight-calls-a-day intensity is romantic at first, it can also wear you both out, and cause the relationship to prematurely crash and burn. Try taking a breather every once and a while to hang out with friends and do your own thing. You’ll both appreciate the break, and trust me, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. While it’s tempting to isolate yourselves in a love-cocoon, it can be damaging to the relationship long-term.

Mostly Bs – This relationship is right on track. By calling you regularly and pursuing the relationship, he’s letting you know that he’s definitely into you. Why? A man who is interested will continually work to progress the relationship. In other words, if he’s pursuing you, he’s interested. The key to success here is to stay on track. If the relationship hits a slow point, don’t freak out and start pursuing him or you’ll break the dynamic that is currently working so well. Stay relaxed and confident, and the relationship is sure to pick up speed again.

Mostly Cs – He’s great on a date, and then you don’t hear from him for weeks. His cell phone rings constantly during dinner, but you can’t reach him for days. This guy probably enjoys your company, but something isn’t right. He’s either distracted by another relationship, work, friends, or all of the above. For some reason, he’s happy to let things slide. To bring him on board, you need to stop making things so easy for him. If you don’t hear from him by mid-week, make other plans (and don’t break them.) Don’t make yourself so available for him, stop calling him for a while, and see if he picks up the slack. He’ll either step up his game, and put in the necessary effort, or he’ll let you know for certain that he’s not the guy for you.

Mostly Ds – I hate to break it to you darling, but this guy is exhibiting all the signs of someone who’s just hanging around for the sex and free food. If you stop chasing after him, it’s highly likely he’ll just vaporize into thin air. Why? He’s making it clear by his actions (not calling you, only calling you at the last minute) that he’s waiting for something (anything!) better. (But hey, a you and a plate of fries will do if nothing more exciting comes along.) Don’t fret. It’s probably not you. Sometimes it doesn’t matter if you’re the greatest girl in the world, you’re just not the girl for him. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t want you. Spend it with someone who does. The more time you waste on Mr. Right Now, the longer it will take you to find Mr. Right. Move on!

She’s no longer interested in sex, or worse, she’s recently learned some new tricks

A dramatic change in sexual behavior can mean two things: Either your sweetie is trying to avoid any situation where she might have to express emotion or attachment to you, or she’s getting it somewhere else. Old dogs only learn new tricks if someone is teaching them.

This isn’t about Toilet Paper! This is about Life!

If he’s picking silly fights, or there’s an unusual increase in emotional distance, you’ve got bad news. If your guy or girl is picking stupid fights all the time, they may be trying to get you to make the first move.

He says, “I need some space” or “I think we should see other people.”

By telling you he wants to see other people, he’s not technically breaking up with you (so no big crying scene to endure) but he’s given himself a way out. Of course, the second he gets a little distance, he’s going to make a run for it.

She gives you that little pat on the back.

Watch out for this one. A person who gives you a hug while patting you on the back is indicating that they are uncomfortable with what they’re doing. The bigger the pat, the more discomfort they feel. Could be the kiss in front of Aunt Mildred. Could be garlic breath. Could be you.

She buys a pre-paid cell phone or pager.

This is a really bad sign. Private investigators everywhere will tell you the pager purchase is a sign of impending heartbreak. Sure, it could be for work, but more likely, she’s using it to get a head start on her post-you life.

He used to be a blue jeans kind of guy, and suddenly he’s obsessed with Armani.

A person who is about to leave (or is cheating) will take greater care with his or appearance – updating his wardrobe, losing weight, working out and even changing cologne.

The good new is that if you make through to Valentine’s Day, you’re on the road to a long-term relationship. And if you don’t? Well, just consider yourself lucky: you’ll have lots of company. So, wipe away those tears, update your profile, and start your own mission to find true love. This could be your year.

The bad boy.

Doesn?t make any sense, does it?

I recently received a letter from a sweet guy who wrote, “I’ve been looking for some insights to what women are looking for, because from my perspective, they often go for that which they complain about most! Got any advice for us men?”

Baby, you hit the nail right on the head.

There?s good news and bad news for all you nice guys out there. Your day will come. It just may not be today.

Nearly all women go through some period in their lives when they?re swept up by a bad boy. The Navy Seal with the amazing bod and the mental prowess of a fruit plate. The Harley guy with mean beard stubble and an attitude to match. The Josh Hartnett look-alike who makes us feel like the center of the universe, and then puts the moves on our roommate the minute we leave for the ladies room.

We can see these guys coming a mile away, and yet we fall for it every time.

Why?

Part of us actually like to believe we can be the one girl to turn this wild man into a pussycat. Part of us just like that down-to-our-toes thrill, the excitement of something we KNOW is bad for us. (Like chocolate cheesecake, and Jimmy Choo shoes.) Some of us are just gluttons for misery.

Most women actually grow out of the bad-boy phase once we hit our mid-twenties. Our girlfriends start to couple off, and we start wondering if we used up our nice guy quota in college when we were still torturing men for sport. That?s where you come in, Mr. Sweet Guy. Because you?re the guy we really want.

Here?s my advice for all the nice guys:

Remember what we were wearing on our first date. Give romantic gifts on birthdays and anniversaries (and remember flower-mandatory holidays such as Valentine?s Day.) Get what we?re all about. Let us know what you?re all about. Kill any bugs that sneak into the kitchen. Give us your coat when it gets chilly outside. And remember there?s a fine line between being a nice guy and being a doormat – don?t take any crap from us.

After all, you don?t want to be a good boy in love with a bad girl.

So guys, this month it’s your turn. Below you’ll find some a
combination of my favorite make-her-toes-curl moves, as well as some fun tidbits
from the thousands of women who write to me, telling me what they look
for in a guy.

Science first.

1. Take your positions for the mating dance.

   Want to be the guy who gets noticed? Stand in the center of the
   room. According to Dr. Albert Mehrabian, the author of several
   books and nationally-known expert in the field of spacial psychology,
   where you are in a room (and what you’re doing) has a lot to do with
   your ability to attract women. Where should you be for the
   highest impact and the greatest number of interested cuties?
   Smack-dab in the center of the room, standing up and moving around
   a bit. (But don’t pace a track on the carpet for goodness sake…)

2. Nice guys wear blue.

   According to Color Consultant Leatrice Eiseman, Director of the
   Pantone Color Institute and author of Colors For Your Every Mood,
   women are attracted to men wearing the color blue. And why
   wouldn’t we be? According to Eiseman, guys who frequently
   wear blue are “stable, faithful, constant and always there.” The
   blue guy is a fantastic candidate for a long-term relationship –
   someone who’s dependable, momogomous and can match his
   own clothes.

   Concerned your wardrobe is driving people away? Stay away
   from what Eiseman calls “squished caterpillar yellow-green”
   which is said to repel both sexes equally.

3. Be an Alpha male, or just look like one.

   According to Body Language Expert Patti Wood, you shouldn’t fold your
   arms or chew on gum, ice or your fingernails. Wood says, chewing
   indicates anxiety or frustration, neither of which are very attractive
   emotions.

   There’s more. Women are biologically attracted to more dominant men, so
   stand tall with your shoulders back. Feel free to take up some space.
   Wood says appearing more dominant effectively draws female attention.
   To attract women, stand with your feet 6-10 inches apart, and your toes
   pointing outward.

   For men who are victims of the “nice guy” badge, or who appear to be
   too submissive to attract women, try taking your Y chromosome out for a
   spin. According to spatial psychologist Albert Mehrabian, men should
   “try wearing bulkier or more conservative hairstyles or clothing,” hold
   your head up, and speed up your speech and gestures to be more
   assertive.

Make your move.

1. The eyes have it.

   Once you’ve zeroed in on a target, lock eyes with her for a full five
   to six seconds, then smile and drop your gaze. Don’t stare a hole
   through the girl’s forehead for goodness sake, just give her a smoldering
   come-hither look and look away. Do this at least three times in a ten to
   fifteen-minute period. Why? Your target needs to know it’s them
   you’re flirting with, and eye contact is a universal signal of openness.
   Then, make your move. Walk up and start a conversation. Wait too long
   and they’ll likely lose interest.

2. Preen like a peacock.

   We tend to preen or groom ourselves subconsciously when we’re attracted
   to someone, by smoothing down our hair or clothes, such as
   straightening your tie. Try combining a grooming gesture with a smile and a gaze.

3. Monkey see, monkey do.

   People mirror each other’s body language when they are attracted with
   similar gestures, voice volume, etc. Try subtly mimicking your flirting
   target’s behavior. If she leans forward, you lean forward. If he
   scratches his head, you scratch your head. If you are mirroring someone’s
   behavior, they’ll begin to feel as though the two of you are connected
   and “in tune.”

4. Go in for the kill.

   Once you and your flirting target have started talking, use these tips
   to deepen the attraction. First, smile and maintain eye contact as
   they are speaking, and focus all of your attention on what they are
   saying. There is rarely anyone more attractive than someone who finds you
   utterly fascinating.

   How to tell if a woman is flirting with you? Look for signs like
   extended eye contact, low-level touching and laughing.

What the women want:

Finally, once you’ve made your move, there are a few more strategies
you should employ. According to my research and the hundreds of letters
I receive every week, what women really want is pretty simple:

1. If you want a woman’s phone number, be a man and ask for it. Don’t
   pull that weenie-move of handing us your business card and expecting us
   to make the first move.

2. Don’t wait a week to call. We know you’re playing it cool and it
   irritates us. Two or three days is plenty of time to wait.

3. Don’t wait until the last minute to ask for a date. Give us a
   chance to look forward to it. (On the other hand, in the early stages of a
   new relationship (first month) NEVER ask us for a date several months
   in advance. Let ‘s make sure the relationship is something both parties
   want to pursue before you get locked into plans you may not want to
   keep.)

4. Never pressure a woman for sex. Really. Especially on the first
   date.

5. Be a gentleman. That means paying for dinner, holding the door
   open, and using your table manners. (Even if you can belch the theme from
   Star Wars.)

6. Always offer your coat on a chilly night. (Yes, we know we should
   bring our own, but we don’t. Besides, there’s something utterly
   fabulous about cuddling up in your big man jacket.)

7. On top of that, be yourself. A really great guy.

Famed Psychologist John Gottman, relationship king of the “Love Lab” (otherwise known as the Gottman Institute) can predict with 90% accuracy which relationships will fail and which will succeed by watching 3 minutes of a fight. Or sometimes, just an everyday conversation. He says that all relationships have patterns, sort of like a thumbprint. And, that by witnessing just a small portion of the relationship pattern, (the thumbprint, if you will) he can make a fairly accurate call on whether the relationship will survive.

According to Gottman, a successful relationship will have five positive emotions for every one negative. The most important indicators, according to Gottman, however, are what he calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”

The more frequently you or your partner exhibit these behaviors in a relationship, the worse your chances are:

1. Defensiveness

– “It’s not my fault I’m always late.” If you or your partner won’t take responsibility for the problems, it’s going to be hard to solve them

2. Stonewalling

– men tend to do this more often than women. It basically means shutting down, refusing to discuss a problem. In other words, the silent treatment.

3. Criticism

“You’re selfish, you never pay the bills on time, you’re mean to old people.” This is basically telling your partner that you don’t like them.

And the worst,

4. Contempt

. Gottman says, “any statement made from a higher level. A lot of the time it’s an insult: :You are a bitch. You’re scum.’ It’s trying to put that person on a lower plane than you, it’s hierarchical.”

The couples who do tend to make it for the long haul, tend to do more repair. They diffuse the situation with humor, they soften the argument with affection, and most importantly, they offer “credit” when a partner asks for it. When your sweetie says, “I’m getting better though, I only hit one street sign with your car last week.” The partner that says, “You’re right! That is better!” stands a much better chance for long-term survival than the partner that says, “one street sign is one street sign too many.”

According to a new book called Blink:The Power Of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell, Gottman says people tend to view relationships two ways:

Positive Sentiment Override This is where positive sentiment overrides irritability. Gottman says, “it’s like a buffer. Their spouse will do something bad and they’ll say “Oh, he’s just in a crummy mood.”

Negative Sentiment Override According to Gottman, “a relatively neutral thing that a partner does gets perceived as negative. You don’t pick up the phone because you’re in the bathroom, and your partner thinks you’re purposefully avoiding them. In the negative sentiment override state, people draw lasting conclusions about each other. If their spouse does something positive, it’s a selfish person doing a positive thing. Gottman says, “For example, I’m talking with my wife and she says, ‘Will you shut up and let me finish?’ In positive sentiment override, I say, ‘Sorry, go ahead.’ I’m not very happy, but I recognize the repair. In negative sentiment override, I say ‘To hell with you, I’m not getting a chance to finish either. You’re such a bitch, you remind me of your mother.’”

Will your relationship last? Well, only time (or three minutes in Dr. Gottman’s Love Lab) will tell. However, whether you talk about every feeling that pops into your head or head to a spa for an emergency pedicure every time you have an argument, the key to success seems to be in genuine and mutual respect for your partner, and a desire to make the relationship permanent. Even when you’re mad. Really mad.