So, you’re out there, looking for romance. It’s not easy, either. How sure are you that you’re looking in the right place? Maybe while you’re busy trying to meet people at the laundromat, Mr. or Miss Right is at work. Think about it. Romance can come from anywhere. Finding it is the hardest game you’ll ever play. And more often than not, it shows up where you’re not looking for it. That can really suck.

I’m not one who believes a lot in luck or fate, but you can’t deny that some of the most romantic stories you’ve ever heard happened by chance – the guy who met his wife at the party he wasn’t supposed to go to, or the woman who met the love of her life in the garage on the one day she decided to drive to work. So, as an idea, luck has some merit.

Just great. So you DO have to be lucky to find love.

Not really. Unlike horse racing, this is one of those areas where you can make your own luck. All you have to do is be in the right place at the right time. Sounds easy enough, right?

So, where do you look for romance?

Nowhere. And everywhere.

It’s that simple. I’m not saying to walk around with flowers and candy on standby. Do you really want to sit back in a rocking chair someday and tell your grandkids that you were trying to pick women up at the bookstore when you met Grandma? Doubtful. I’m also not saying to sit around at home and give up on meeting people. Just realize that romance can be just around the corner, or at your doorstep. You just have to be willing to walk into it or open your door.

Dating services, as cheesy as they are, have been known to work once in a while. So have personals ads and meeting people on the Internet. Now, I’m sure you’re making a face. Shaking your head and thinking that only losers sink that low. And that any of those three is a sure-fire way to meet some psycho or freak. But I’m sure you know someone who tried the traditional ways of meeting people and still met weirdos and freaks. If you’re alone and don’t want to be, this is really no time to be stubborn. If you’re at your wit’s end, you may want to give them a try.

The other thing you may have to throw out are your rules – you know the ones –

• “I’ll never date a short guy.”
  
• “I don’t date at work.”
  
• “I won’t go out with anyone I meet at the supermarket.”

If you accept that finding love is at least partly luck, you’re not helping yourself by eliminating sides of the dice you’re rolling. Your lover man may be in the cube next to you, or half an inch shorter than you’ve always dreamed. Your dream girl may be the bartender instead of the cutie on the dancefloor. Keep your eyes and your mind open. It doesn’t guarantee that you’ll find romance, or love, but it will definitely increase your chances.

So keep looking where you’re looking. And where you’re not looking. Leave yourself open, but don’t look desperate. That’s never good.

Oh, and if you happen to meet a few psychos along the way, don’t give up.

And don’t blame me.

Dating at work is a challenge. It’s tough. It’s work. But, it happens all the time, and it’s not a bad thing. For as scandalous as people try to make it, it’s not much different than what we were taught our whole lives.

Growing up, all the new and interesting people you met were at school. For up to 18 years, school IS your life. You start off eating and sleeping there. You work there. You play there. By high school, you’re into sports and stuff. You end up spending more time in school and with your friends than anywhere else. So, when your hormones kicked in, where did you find yourself a little boyfriend or girlfriend? Playin’ dodge ball. Sitting in the cafeteria. Going home on the bus.

Yeah. School.

From a very early age, we’re taught to work with what’s in front of us. It’s human laziness. Why go to another town or a different mall to meet a new girl when there are 400 of them at your own school? Look at that movie, “Blue Lagoon.” I’m sure that guy didn’t want to hook up with his sister, but there was no one else on the island. See what I mean?

Which brings us back to dating at work. If you’re young, single, or both, and work in a place with a lot of the same, it’s not much different than school, except you’re getting paid. You spend just as much time there, getting into little cliques and stuff. You eat lunch with a certain crowd and only at certain places. Exchange those cubes for uncomfortable desks and you’re back in 9th grade. So, eventually that cute guy in Sales or the adorable redhead in Accounting will get your attention.

Add that to some drunkenness at an office party, and BINGO.

Now, there are several pros and cons to deal with when dating someone you work with. All of a sudden, normal dating issues can cost you your job. Let’s take a look.

1. Someone who understands.

   How cool is it if you’re a biochemical engineer who can come home and talk about work with someone who understands what you’re saying? When it comes to venting, that’s a huge plus.

2. Promotions.

   Dating someone at your own level is the best bet. You make about the same, your schedules mesh, it’s all good. But, you’re always one step away from one of you being promoted, which leads to…

3. Dating your boss.

   Not only is this harassment on the boss’ part, but you’ll never be able to get so much as a good parking space without people talking about you behind your back, and sometimes, in front of it. It’s rarely worth it, unless your boss is Mel Gibson or Elizabeth Hurley. Or it’s a really GOOD parking spot.

4. Carpooling.

   This is especially great when the sleep-overs start happening. Not only do you have a great new gal or fella, you’ve got a ride to work!

5. Good days, bad days, and arguments.

   It’s pretty easy for last night’s tiff about the bills to spill over into a budget meeting the next morning – in front of 15 other people. It’s also very easy to spend your whole night talking about projects and people you both work with (see #1).

   Next thing you know, you’re “working” 24-7. Ugh. Eventually, you both have to work really hard at leaving home stuff at home and work stuff at work.

6. Nooners.

   This is the best part of dating a co-worker. You can actually sneak off into a stairwell, closet or office for a little midday smoochie-face – or more. Everyone else who wants some noontime lovin’ probably has to head all the way home. Suckers.

7. The break-up.

   Breaking up with a stranger is easy. Breaking up with the guy who makes your photocopies or brews the morning coffee can be a bit more…interesting. As in, who ordered the latte with a loogie in it? Ewww. Or even better, stories about your sexual adventures by the water cooler. How fun.

8. Sick time.

   You can never both call in sick without the rumor mill churning. So much for those “let’s stay home all day and cuddle” things. But, that’s why God invented vacation time…unless you both work in the same team or department, which, of course, can’t afford to have you both out on vacation at the same time.

9. Face time.

   You’re in each other’s faces all day at work, and then all night at home. You do the math.

Like I said, dating at work isn’t for the faint of heart. You’ll be the stars of office gossip. You’ll be under a microscope. But in the end, you can’t help where you fall in love, right?

Then again, I met my fiancee at work.

Luckily, you’ve got me. Well you don’t actually have me, my fiancee does. But you’ve got my help. So, what do you say to drive a man wild without sounding cheesy, or like a sailor on shore leave? And how?

1. Whisper. You know why they call ‘em “sweet nothings”? Because you don’t have to say much of anything for this to work. Even if you’re asking him to pick up a loaf of bread on the way home from work, the feel of your breath on his ear and neck will make his hairs (and a lot else) stand on end. By and large, though this one works a lot better if you’re not assigning chores to him – even though I know a sneaky gal or two who uses this technique for just that purpose.
2. Tell him what he does to you. For example: “You make me feel sexy.” or “when you’re around, I just can’t control myself”. Or, “when I start thinking about you, I can’t concentrate on anything else”. Or, something like “you give me goosebumps when you touch me”. This is also a great opportunity to be coy and a little bashful.
3. Be direct and make contact. Say what you mean, what you want, or what you feel, and touch him when you say it. Now, I’m not saying to grab his crotch and say “give it to me”. That’s a little scary. And is that REALLY your personality? Do it gently. Sensually. Teasingly. What I mean is touching his lips with your fingertips, and saying to meet you in the bedroom. Stuff like that. The grandest total display of this? Sit him down and do a striptease for him. To totally tease him, tell him he can’t touch you until you’re
   finished.

That covers the “How”. Now, for the “What”. Here are five of the best things you can say
to turn a guy on. I would say 10, but the other 5 are NC-17 rated.

1. “I want you”. The classic: short, sweet, succinct. The trick in pulling this one off without sounding cheesy is the look in your eye, and your body language. Look him in the eye. Hold his hand. Say it like you mean it. A cool variation of this one is the tease. He can be sitting watching TV, or reading, or walking around the mall with you. Look him in the eye, say it, and then walk away. Within seconds, he’ll be chasing you around.
2. “You drive me crazy.” Now this one is all about tone. If you’re kissing his neck and getting undressed when you say it, it’s one thing. If you’re saying it while throwing dishes at his head and walking out the door, it means something else entirely.
3. “Meet me in the bedroom.” Or, “I’ll be in the bedroom.” This is best said in lingerie or naked, and while on your way to the bedroom. If your guy doesn’t respond to this one, get yourself a new guy.
4. “Would you like to take a shower with me?” Who doesn’t love showering
   together? C’mon.

5. “You have to do everything I say.” This one’s very open ended, and for a
   reason. It makes guys excited and a little nervous. They don’t know what’s coming next. But don’t use it to make him mow the lawn or pick your Mom up at the airport. It’s better suited for a little game or roleplay. As mentioned above, a favorite is the “I’m gonna tease you but you can’t touch me” game. You wanna whip a guy up into a frenzy, you show him the goods and tell him he can’t have ‘em.

So yes, you don’t have to be dirty and gross and ask “Who’s your momma” to get a guy turned on. By the way, any mention of his mother probably wouldn’t be a good thing. You don’t need whips, chains, dirty magazines or movies, another person (a different column entirely) or anything but YOU to get your guy hot and bothered.

In case you forgot, that’s how you got him in the first place.

>>More Dirty Talk Secrets!

My husband always asks me what I want for Christmas, I
tell him to surprise me but he insists that I give him ideas
(he says he’s not good at surprises). Then he gets me
something that I asked for…no surprises. How can I get
him to surprise me, with something I would like?

Answer:

Well, as a husband myself, I can tell you, nothing is more nerve-racking than trying to find the perfect gift for your spouse. Yep, I said perfect gift. Why? Because when it comes to a spouse gift, there are no exceptions. No “so-so” gift. No “ok” gift. Surprises screw up our math on that one. We surprise you with a blouse. You hate it. You wear it anyway. We think we did good. So we get you another one for your birthday. 4 gifts later we find out it wasn’t even close to what you wanted. EEK.

As guys, we don’t want to mess, up, period. We feel a lot better just getting you something you want. To make it more like a surprise, maybe you should drop hints all year. LOUD ones (we’re kinda dense). By the time the holidays roll around, he should have a list of at least 20 things he knows you want (if he’s paying attention). Which one will you get? That’s a surprise.

Question:

My husband always gets me practical gifts like pots and
pans, new towels, and gift certificates for the gas station.
These are great to have, but I’de also like to get something
romantic or sentimental from him. What should I do?

Answer:

Like I always say, it’s simple. TALK TO HIM. Tell him that while you like the practical, it kinda takes away from the magic of the holidays. Tell him kindly that these are gifts he can give him Mom or his best friend. You’d like to get gifts than mean something to you. Simple as that.
If you love to cook or you run out of gas a lot, he’s thinking about you. He just needs a little tweaking.

If he’s just a practical kind of guy who buys practical things, maybe you can reach a compromise. For example – if you collect dolls, maybe he’ll get you a glass case for your favorite one. If you love to read, maybe a sterling silver bookmark engraved with a message from him. Or even better — if he’s practical and handy, ask him to make you something, and how much it would mean to you if he did.

Question:

Each year I tell my husband what I want for Christmas, I
even post a little note on the fridge, or a picture of it
that I cut out of a catalogue. And each year he goes and
gets me something else. He says he wants to surprise me.
So how can I let him know what I want, but make him think
he’s getting me a surprise?

Answer:

Well, you’ve got a rare one. So, don’t beat him up too much. Because if you change him, two Christmases from now you’ll complain that he never surprises you. Part of the joy of giving is picking something for someone on your own — for a guy, this is kinda like a game or a test to see how well he knows you. Are his surprise gifts bad, or are you just mad that you’re not getting what you want? Think about that. If you’re making too big a deal of your hints, he might feel like all the spontaneity is gone. So dial back on your hints a little — it gives him a better game to play. Another option is to compromise –one gift that you want, one surprise gift from him. That way, you’re both happy.

Question:

I’ve been dating this guy since late November. We will
be spending part of Christmas together and I really think I
should give him a gift. But I don’t want to make him
uncomfortable, especially if he doesn’t get me something.
How should I handle this?

Answer:

OK. This one is easy. Since at best you would have been dating a month when Christmas comes along, you’re not on the hook for much more than a CD or similarly priced item under $20. Many would argue that a card is fine, with a little personal note. No novelty boxer shorts, personal stuff, or anything with hearts or the word “love” just yet. If you feel weird giving him an actual gift so soon, do something else — take him out for dinner, or cook him one yourself. Something special, without being to relationship-py. This way, even if he didn’t get you anything, he won’t feel like a jerk.

So, here are 10 sure-fire ways to love and lust after your fella.

1. Be specific. Don’t go for the blanket statement “you’re sexy.” It’s too easy. Think about how you’d feel if that was the best he could come up with when you’re standing there nekkid. So, pick something out — “your arms are so strong. I love to watch the muscles move when you take your shirt off.” Or…”You have an incredible (butt/chest/etc.). I just wanna grab you!” See what I mean?
2. Stare. You know how to do it. The same way those construction workers watch you walk by. The same way that guy at work looks at you when you’re wearing a plunging neckline. Look him up and down. Undress him with your eyes. And let him know you’re doing it, like when he’s walking in front of you, climbing up a ladder, or just stepping out of the shower. Heck, even lick your lips and wolf-whistle if you feel like it.
3. Touch. We men don’t have the market cornered on groping. You see something you want, you grab it. There’s not a much better compliment than: “Sorry, I just couldn’t keep my hands to myself!” Run your hand up his thigh. Down the back of his neck. You know how to do it.
4. Surprise him. Call in the middle of the day, and tell him you’re already thinking about tonight. Or, that you’re still in a daze from last night. Catch him at the right time and he won’t be able to think of anything but you for the rest of the day. And night.
5. Compare. Even when you’re watching TV or reading magazines, point out to him all the guys he’s better looking/smarter/taller than (in your opinion, of course). What guy doesn’t want to hear: “I don’t see what the big deal is with Brad Pitt. You’re way hotter than he is. WAY hotter.”
6. Lingerie. No, not for you. Get him a pair of silk boxers (or boxer-briefs, if he prefers), and ask him to model them for you. Then, go back to #1 and get very specific about what you find so sexy about him in his undies. Don’t laugh. It works on you women every time.
7. Exclusivity. Nobody can touch your body the way he does. NObody else could ever make you feel that good. Nobody has ever turned you on as much as him. Get the idea? He knows he’s the only man in your world. Now let him know why.
8. Jump him. Plain and simple. This accomplishes everything you’re asking for, no words necessary. Drag him into the bedroom (or the kitchen table, on the floor, or over to the couch). Throw him down. And have at him as if he were your last meal. You’re just so turned on by him that you can’t even control yourself. Sounds like a compliment to me!
9. Write to him. An e-mail. A letter. A poem. Pour your feelings out on paper and give them to him. Love letters have worked on women for hundreds of years. Maybe it’s time the tables were turned.

10. Repeat as necessary. Find what works for you and him. Go with it. Or, mix it up a little. Keep him on his toes. He’ll never know where the next compliment is coming from. Basically, all you need to do is try new ways to stroke him (and his ego), and you’re good to go.

Yeah. They all start getting married. It’s like a cult. Instead of handing out flowers at the airport, they’re handing out florists’ business cards and pictures of their receptions. You’ve rented more tuxedos or bought more bridesmaid dresses in the past year than you have in the past 10. Every weekend from Memorial Day to Halloween is booked with a shower, a party, a rehearsal dinner, a ceremony, a reception, or any combination of the above.

And, you’re single.

And feeling left out.

It’s easy to start to panic. To hear the ominous tones of a biological clock ticking. And, of course, to start picturing yourself at 80, alone and living with 600 cats. Your whole world starts to spin, and like some frantic game of “tag,” your friends are getting picked off right and left.

First to go are all the friends who’ve had the same sweetie for years. This is no big deal. You knew they going to be married back in 10th grade. Next are the people who always seemed to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but changed ‘em every 8 months or so. You don’t have the highest expectations for their marriages, and you figure they’ll be single again soon, so you don’t panic then, either.

The real mania sets in when the losers of your group start getting hitched. You know who – the folks who could never get a date in high school. Or college. Or for 5 years afterwards. The people you always looked at and thought, “well, I know I won’t be single as long as THEM.”

Well, lookee here. The cheese stands alone.

And you venture from ceremony to ceremony, reception to reception, wondering what went wrong. Why your life sucks. And why you’ll never get married.

STOP IT. I don’t know if it’s the champagne, the cake, or the sappy music that does it, but your life doesn’t suck. Big deal if you’re not married yet, and have no prospects. As cliché ¡s it sounds, your time will come. You may feel like it, but you’re not in “the game of Life,” and you’re not racing to see who makes it to the end with a car, a house, and 2.6 kids.

Did you ever think, for a moment, how cool it is to be a single guy or gal at a wedding? It’s romantic. It’s sappy. You’re looking dapper, and dressed to the nines. And you’re available. Welcome to the ball, Cinderella!

Oh yes. The time is yours. You can work that room the way Sinatra worked Vegas.

So think about it that way. Ignore the visions of cats and scaring kids off your lawn. Love and romance aren’t about panicking and rushing into something because your kid sister got married before you did.

Eventually, love will find you, and you’ll find yourself a shiny ring and rock. You’ll walk down the aisle. And for those of you who think it’s a race, you’ll finally catch up.

…Until they all start having babies.

EEK!

Well, not really. But they’re asking somebody. And I feel compelled to answer.

Now, I’m not speaking for all guys, just the ones who are like me – the North American Average Joe. It’s no mystery, ladies. I mean, you don’t have to be Indiana Jones to find the answers. We’re pretty simple creatures, often confused by complicated things like “feelings.” Some will say guys want a hot bod. Others will say we’re all looking for a mother figure. And another group subscribes to the belief that we’re all looking for a best friend.

The answer? We want it all.

Now, when we’re out looking, which is – uhm – ALWAYS, we obviously look at the body first. There’s no point in lying about that. I don’t care how sensitive and romantic a guy is, by the time he’s sauntered up to you, he’s checked you out. Now don’t get all in a huff about how guys only want the tall, skinny, waif-looking model types with big boobs. Because that’s as silly as us thinking that you all want Fabio – yeah, a doofy long-haired foreigner who makes his money on book covers and butter commercials. See how silly that is?

Look. Some guys like short hair. Some guys like short girls. Some are pre-disposed to brunettes, or girls with thin lips. Some guys like a big, round rump, and others like a cute little fanny. Hey, there are even guys who like feet. Get the idea? Basically, if he’s talking to you, you obviously fit within his pre-determined parameters. And a quick glance at the average couple on the street will prove the theory that yes, there is someone for everyone.

Now, every guy wants someone who looks nice on his arm, but he also wants a girl who’s fun to hang out with. One who shares his interests, whether it’s computers or old movies or dropping things from highway overpasses. And if she doesn’t share his interests, she should at least accept them. I thank my lucky stars every day that I found a woman who puts up with my INSANE Star Wars AND Star Trek obsessions. That’s why I asked her to marry me. (Yes, ladies, this geek is taken!)

This of course, means not only paying attention to what we’re saying, but actually being interested.

So yeah, most guys want a woman who doesn’t cringe when his buddies are around. Some even want one who can HANG with his buddies. Or maybe one who might kick his butt at Racquetball, but massage his back afterwards. He basically wants a buddy with breasts. Someone who’s easy to be with, but looks cute in a little black dress. Someone we don’t have to be macho around, but also don’t have to be “super sensitive guy” in front of, either.

And please, please, please. Have an opinion. Have an interest. Have a sense of humor. Have a brain. Yes, guys like bimbos. That’s a no-brainer. “Baywatch” was a hit TV show for a reason. But don’t fret, because we don’t stay with ‘em long. A vacant stare and a big chest rarely last past a few dates. Be smart, be witty, but avoid being “the b-word.” Challenge us, but not too much. The male ego is a fragile thing.

OH! And, though we’ll rarely admit it outright, as much as we want to take care of you, we like to be babied a little, too.

See? It’s not so hard. And, not that easy. But at least it’s not that hard.