My husband always asks me what I want for Christmas, I
tell him to surprise me but he insists that I give him ideas
(he says he’s not good at surprises). Then he gets me
something that I asked for…no surprises. How can I get
him to surprise me, with something I would like?

Answer:

Well, as a husband myself, I can tell you, nothing is more nerve-racking than trying to find the perfect gift for your spouse. Yep, I said perfect gift. Why? Because when it comes to a spouse gift, there are no exceptions. No “so-so” gift. No “ok” gift. Surprises screw up our math on that one. We surprise you with a blouse. You hate it. You wear it anyway. We think we did good. So we get you another one for your birthday. 4 gifts later we find out it wasn’t even close to what you wanted. EEK.

As guys, we don’t want to mess, up, period. We feel a lot better just getting you something you want. To make it more like a surprise, maybe you should drop hints all year. LOUD ones (we’re kinda dense). By the time the holidays roll around, he should have a list of at least 20 things he knows you want (if he’s paying attention). Which one will you get? That’s a surprise.

Question:

My husband always gets me practical gifts like pots and
pans, new towels, and gift certificates for the gas station.
These are great to have, but I’de also like to get something
romantic or sentimental from him. What should I do?

Answer:

Like I always say, it’s simple. TALK TO HIM. Tell him that while you like the practical, it kinda takes away from the magic of the holidays. Tell him kindly that these are gifts he can give him Mom or his best friend. You’d like to get gifts than mean something to you. Simple as that.
If you love to cook or you run out of gas a lot, he’s thinking about you. He just needs a little tweaking.

If he’s just a practical kind of guy who buys practical things, maybe you can reach a compromise. For example – if you collect dolls, maybe he’ll get you a glass case for your favorite one. If you love to read, maybe a sterling silver bookmark engraved with a message from him. Or even better — if he’s practical and handy, ask him to make you something, and how much it would mean to you if he did.

Question:

Each year I tell my husband what I want for Christmas, I
even post a little note on the fridge, or a picture of it
that I cut out of a catalogue. And each year he goes and
gets me something else. He says he wants to surprise me.
So how can I let him know what I want, but make him think
he’s getting me a surprise?

Answer:

Well, you’ve got a rare one. So, don’t beat him up too much. Because if you change him, two Christmases from now you’ll complain that he never surprises you. Part of the joy of giving is picking something for someone on your own — for a guy, this is kinda like a game or a test to see how well he knows you. Are his surprise gifts bad, or are you just mad that you’re not getting what you want? Think about that. If you’re making too big a deal of your hints, he might feel like all the spontaneity is gone. So dial back on your hints a little — it gives him a better game to play. Another option is to compromise –one gift that you want, one surprise gift from him. That way, you’re both happy.

Question:

I’ve been dating this guy since late November. We will
be spending part of Christmas together and I really think I
should give him a gift. But I don’t want to make him
uncomfortable, especially if he doesn’t get me something.
How should I handle this?

Answer:

OK. This one is easy. Since at best you would have been dating a month when Christmas comes along, you’re not on the hook for much more than a CD or similarly priced item under $20. Many would argue that a card is fine, with a little personal note. No novelty boxer shorts, personal stuff, or anything with hearts or the word “love” just yet. If you feel weird giving him an actual gift so soon, do something else — take him out for dinner, or cook him one yourself. Something special, without being to relationship-py. This way, even if he didn’t get you anything, he won’t feel like a jerk.

So, here are 10 sure-fire ways to love and lust after your fella.

1. Be specific. Don’t go for the blanket statement “you’re sexy.” It’s too easy. Think about how you’d feel if that was the best he could come up with when you’re standing there nekkid. So, pick something out — “your arms are so strong. I love to watch the muscles move when you take your shirt off.” Or…”You have an incredible (butt/chest/etc.). I just wanna grab you!” See what I mean?
2. Stare. You know how to do it. The same way those construction workers watch you walk by. The same way that guy at work looks at you when you’re wearing a plunging neckline. Look him up and down. Undress him with your eyes. And let him know you’re doing it, like when he’s walking in front of you, climbing up a ladder, or just stepping out of the shower. Heck, even lick your lips and wolf-whistle if you feel like it.
3. Touch. We men don’t have the market cornered on groping. You see something you want, you grab it. There’s not a much better compliment than: “Sorry, I just couldn’t keep my hands to myself!” Run your hand up his thigh. Down the back of his neck. You know how to do it.
4. Surprise him. Call in the middle of the day, and tell him you’re already thinking about tonight. Or, that you’re still in a daze from last night. Catch him at the right time and he won’t be able to think of anything but you for the rest of the day. And night.
5. Compare. Even when you’re watching TV or reading magazines, point out to him all the guys he’s better looking/smarter/taller than (in your opinion, of course). What guy doesn’t want to hear: “I don’t see what the big deal is with Brad Pitt. You’re way hotter than he is. WAY hotter.”
6. Lingerie. No, not for you. Get him a pair of silk boxers (or boxer-briefs, if he prefers), and ask him to model them for you. Then, go back to #1 and get very specific about what you find so sexy about him in his undies. Don’t laugh. It works on you women every time.
7. Exclusivity. Nobody can touch your body the way he does. NObody else could ever make you feel that good. Nobody has ever turned you on as much as him. Get the idea? He knows he’s the only man in your world. Now let him know why.
8. Jump him. Plain and simple. This accomplishes everything you’re asking for, no words necessary. Drag him into the bedroom (or the kitchen table, on the floor, or over to the couch). Throw him down. And have at him as if he were your last meal. You’re just so turned on by him that you can’t even control yourself. Sounds like a compliment to me!
9. Write to him. An e-mail. A letter. A poem. Pour your feelings out on paper and give them to him. Love letters have worked on women for hundreds of years. Maybe it’s time the tables were turned.

10. Repeat as necessary. Find what works for you and him. Go with it. Or, mix it up a little. Keep him on his toes. He’ll never know where the next compliment is coming from. Basically, all you need to do is try new ways to stroke him (and his ego), and you’re good to go.

Yeah. They all start getting married. It’s like a cult. Instead of handing out flowers at the airport, they’re handing out florists’ business cards and pictures of their receptions. You’ve rented more tuxedos or bought more bridesmaid dresses in the past year than you have in the past 10. Every weekend from Memorial Day to Halloween is booked with a shower, a party, a rehearsal dinner, a ceremony, a reception, or any combination of the above.

And, you’re single.

And feeling left out.

It’s easy to start to panic. To hear the ominous tones of a biological clock ticking. And, of course, to start picturing yourself at 80, alone and living with 600 cats. Your whole world starts to spin, and like some frantic game of “tag,” your friends are getting picked off right and left.

First to go are all the friends who’ve had the same sweetie for years. This is no big deal. You knew they going to be married back in 10th grade. Next are the people who always seemed to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but changed ‘em every 8 months or so. You don’t have the highest expectations for their marriages, and you figure they’ll be single again soon, so you don’t panic then, either.

The real mania sets in when the losers of your group start getting hitched. You know who – the folks who could never get a date in high school. Or college. Or for 5 years afterwards. The people you always looked at and thought, “well, I know I won’t be single as long as THEM.”

Well, lookee here. The cheese stands alone.

And you venture from ceremony to ceremony, reception to reception, wondering what went wrong. Why your life sucks. And why you’ll never get married.

STOP IT. I don’t know if it’s the champagne, the cake, or the sappy music that does it, but your life doesn’t suck. Big deal if you’re not married yet, and have no prospects. As cliché ¡s it sounds, your time will come. You may feel like it, but you’re not in “the game of Life,” and you’re not racing to see who makes it to the end with a car, a house, and 2.6 kids.

Did you ever think, for a moment, how cool it is to be a single guy or gal at a wedding? It’s romantic. It’s sappy. You’re looking dapper, and dressed to the nines. And you’re available. Welcome to the ball, Cinderella!

Oh yes. The time is yours. You can work that room the way Sinatra worked Vegas.

So think about it that way. Ignore the visions of cats and scaring kids off your lawn. Love and romance aren’t about panicking and rushing into something because your kid sister got married before you did.

Eventually, love will find you, and you’ll find yourself a shiny ring and rock. You’ll walk down the aisle. And for those of you who think it’s a race, you’ll finally catch up.

…Until they all start having babies.

EEK!

Well, not really. But they’re asking somebody. And I feel compelled to answer.

Now, I’m not speaking for all guys, just the ones who are like me – the North American Average Joe. It’s no mystery, ladies. I mean, you don’t have to be Indiana Jones to find the answers. We’re pretty simple creatures, often confused by complicated things like “feelings.” Some will say guys want a hot bod. Others will say we’re all looking for a mother figure. And another group subscribes to the belief that we’re all looking for a best friend.

The answer? We want it all.

Now, when we’re out looking, which is – uhm – ALWAYS, we obviously look at the body first. There’s no point in lying about that. I don’t care how sensitive and romantic a guy is, by the time he’s sauntered up to you, he’s checked you out. Now don’t get all in a huff about how guys only want the tall, skinny, waif-looking model types with big boobs. Because that’s as silly as us thinking that you all want Fabio – yeah, a doofy long-haired foreigner who makes his money on book covers and butter commercials. See how silly that is?

Look. Some guys like short hair. Some guys like short girls. Some are pre-disposed to brunettes, or girls with thin lips. Some guys like a big, round rump, and others like a cute little fanny. Hey, there are even guys who like feet. Get the idea? Basically, if he’s talking to you, you obviously fit within his pre-determined parameters. And a quick glance at the average couple on the street will prove the theory that yes, there is someone for everyone.

Now, every guy wants someone who looks nice on his arm, but he also wants a girl who’s fun to hang out with. One who shares his interests, whether it’s computers or old movies or dropping things from highway overpasses. And if she doesn’t share his interests, she should at least accept them. I thank my lucky stars every day that I found a woman who puts up with my INSANE Star Wars AND Star Trek obsessions. That’s why I asked her to marry me. (Yes, ladies, this geek is taken!)

This of course, means not only paying attention to what we’re saying, but actually being interested.

So yeah, most guys want a woman who doesn’t cringe when his buddies are around. Some even want one who can HANG with his buddies. Or maybe one who might kick his butt at Racquetball, but massage his back afterwards. He basically wants a buddy with breasts. Someone who’s easy to be with, but looks cute in a little black dress. Someone we don’t have to be macho around, but also don’t have to be “super sensitive guy” in front of, either.

And please, please, please. Have an opinion. Have an interest. Have a sense of humor. Have a brain. Yes, guys like bimbos. That’s a no-brainer. “Baywatch” was a hit TV show for a reason. But don’t fret, because we don’t stay with ‘em long. A vacant stare and a big chest rarely last past a few dates. Be smart, be witty, but avoid being “the b-word.” Challenge us, but not too much. The male ego is a fragile thing.

OH! And, though we’ll rarely admit it outright, as much as we want to take care of you, we like to be babied a little, too.

See? It’s not so hard. And, not that easy. But at least it’s not that hard.

You get plenty of warning, if you’re paying attention. If not, it sneaks up and completely blindsides you. Either way, it cannot be stopped. What is it, you ask?

The exchange of gifts.

Whether it’s a birthday, Christmas, or – the big one – an anniversary, you’ve gotta do it. And whether you’re a guy or girl, it ain’t easy. A bad gift can end it right then and there. The right gift will make you the all-star, MVP, award-winning talk of her circle of friends or his gang of fellas.

I won’t insult your intelligence and tell you that vacuum cleaners and nose hair clippers are ill-informed choices. And if those gifts make perfect sense to you, you need more help than I thought. You see, the right gift is fun, romantic, appropriate and intuitive. By intuitive, I mean that it really tells the gift recipient that you really know them. This is good for all gift giving, but especially key when it comes to the perfect romantic gift for your significant other.

For the Fellas

Sure, sure, you can never go wrong with the power drill he’s been longing after, or the Palm Pilot that every other guy at work has, but how romantic are those? Leave that stuff to his Mom and his kid sister. The trick here is getting him something that only you can get him. Things like…silk boxers you want to see him in. A new cologne that you want him to wear. How about turning the tables on him and taking him to dinner at the same restaurant where you had your first date? And if you really want to blow his mind, what better romantic surprise is there for a guy than flowers, and candy? I’m not kidding! Manly flowers, of course, and not just a box of candy – get his favorite – even if it’s a big bag of M&M’s! That’s a good mix of fun, romance and intuitiveness!

You can also never go wrong with a massage machine (the gift that keeps giving — to both of you). A weekend getaway for two. A surprise party, with all his out-of-town friends. You, with a big, giant red ribbon – and nothing else! And nothing packs quite the same romantic punch like something you made yourself. Yeah, ladies – it’s time to get out the scissors and the construction paper.

Funny how a lot of this is the same stuff that works for you, isn’t it? Yeah, sometimes we’re a bunch of softies.

For the Ladies

Now, fellas, they’ve been ragging on us about this one ever since some idiot bought his wife a new apron for Valentine’s Day 1946. They think we’re not romantic. They think we’re embarrassed to be mushy, sentimental, and all that jazz. Well, like any good head coach, I’m gonna show you how to use their perceptions of you as a strength. How? Well, if they think you’re too embarrassed to give a really romantic gift, they’ll never expect one. So even the casually romantic gift can be enough to get you into the Beau Hall of Fame.

OK, enough set-up. What do you get her?

Well, any guy (and any gal) knows that flowers and candy are the easy way out. Unless, of course, your lady happens to be a big flower lover. Lucky schmoe. You get off easy.

For the rest of us, there are gifts like a framed picture. Simple. Easy. Incredibly romantic. Well, as long as it’s a picture of the two of you. A picture of yourself just makes you look like a dork. This gift not only shows that you’ve got a sentimental side, but that you’re happy to be with her.

Breakfast (or any meal) in bed is cute, and you don’t even have to do it well. In some weird romantic twist, the worse cook you are, the more brownie points you score for even attempting it. Oh, and oatmeal doesn’t count. Besides, OATMEAL just isn’t romantic at all.

A mystery trip. Romance and mystery go hand-in-hand. That’s why all those supermarket novels feature some long-haired Zorro wannabe in a mask. Women LOVE this stuff. Just give her a date and time and tell her to keep it open. Then whisk her away for an afternoon, a night, or a whole week. How do you pick the place? Ask the women at work. If you really want to play detective, flip through some of the magazines she has laying around. Chances are there’s some page corner turned down of some spa, city, or island she’s been trying to talk you into.

Speaking of her magazines – guys, I’ve gotta tell you. It’s like looking at their playbook. Every fashion magazine is like a wish list. They’re always circling things, dog-earing pages, and jotting things down. Find these magazines, or these notes, and you’re home-free for gifts for months. A year ago I got my wife a bracelet from Tiffany’s that she casually mentioned that she liked – two months before in one of her 6,000 magazines. When she opened it, she said: “It’s the one I liked from the magazine!” I said “I know”. Honest-to-God, that was the smoothest move of my entire life. And, she still wears it almost every day. Nothing says romance like “I can read your mind.”

Lingerie. Now, as long as it’s not something crotchless you ordered from the back of Playboy, you can score big with this one – pun fully intended. Steer more towards the long, sheer nightgowns and robes of Victoria’s Secret, not the fur handcuffs from Frederick’s of Hollywood. Remember, you’re trying to be Mr. romantic, not Mr. “I’m starring in Boogie Nights”.

Day Spa. Now, this one is awesome, especially if your baby is really busy and stressed out at work – as long as you don’t have a problem with someone else feeling her up massage-style (relax, they can request women). Manicure, pedicure, facial, steam bath – the works! She’ll come home to you relaxed, unstressed, and ready to – show her appreciation.

These obviously aren’t ALL the gifts, folks, but they should get your wheels turning.

Happy gift giving! (And good luck!)

OOPS. Sorry. That’s the Love BOAT. Nevermind.

What do I think of love? Hmmm. Love is the most powerful force on the planet. People have fought and died for love. People have given up everything for love. They write songs about it, movies, TV shows, books and poems. For crying out loud, it’s the only emotion with its own holiday.

Love can make you higher than any drug, but can also make you feel like you got kicked in the gut. Love can make you do some pretty stupid things, like spray painting a name on a wall, or serenading someone outside their window.

Love is amazing. You can’t touch it, catch it or trap it. But, it’s out there, all around us all the time. So, you can fall in it pretty easily.

Honestly, love makes every morning worth waking up for. When you’re not in love, it still gives you hope. When you are in love, gives you answers — meaning. It’s finding the last piece to a really tough puzzle. It’s a contagious joy you want to share with everyone.

How can I make it simple?

Picture your favorite toy. Your Mom’s smile. Your best friend. Your coolest summer. Your first crush. And the puppy you got for your 4th birthday. Mix that with 3 or 4 of your best Christmases, multiply it by 100,000,000, and you MIGHT come close to what it’s like to truly be in love. You MIGHT.

There just arent enough words.

Luckily, you’ve got me. Well you don’t actually have me, my fiancee does.
But you’ve got my help. So, what do you say to drive a man wild without
sounding cheesy, or like a sailor on shore leave? And how?

1. Whisper. You know why they call ‘em “sweet nothings”? Because you don’t
   have to say much of anything for this to work. Even if you’re asking him to
   pick up a loaf of bread on the way home from work, the feel of your breath
   on his ear and neck will make his hairs (and a lot else) stand on end. By
   and large, though this one works a lot better if you’re not assigning chores
   to him – even though I know a sneaky gal or two who uses this technique for
   just that purpose.

2. Tell him what he does to you. For example: “You make me feel sexy.” or
   “when you’re around, I just can’t control myself”. Or, “when I start
   thinking about you, I can’t concentrate on anything else”. Or, something
   like “you give me goosebumps when you touch me”. This is also a great
   opportunity to be coy and a little bashful.

3. Be direct and make contact. Say what you mean, what you want, or what you feel,
   and touch him when you say it. Now, I’m not saying to grab his crotch and
   say “give it to me”. That’s a little scary. And is that REALLY your
   personality? Do it gently. Sensually. Teasingly. What I mean is touching his
   lips with your fingertips, and saying to meet you in the bedroom. Stuff like
   that. The grandest total display of this? Sit him down and do a striptease
   for him. To totally tease him, tell him he can’t touch you until you’re
   finished.

That covers the “How”. Now, for the “What”. Here are five of the best things you can say
to turn a guy on. I would say 10, but the other 5 are NC-17 rated.

1. “I want you”. The classic: short, sweet, succinct. The trick in pulling
   this one off without sounding cheesy is the look in your eye, and your body
   language. Look him in the eye. Hold his hand. Say it like you mean it. A
   cool variation of this one is the tease. He can be sitting watching TV, or
   reading, or walking around the mall with you. Look him in the eye, say it,
   and then walk away. Within seconds, he’ll be chasing you around.

2. “You drive me crazy.” Now this one is all about tone. If you’re kissing
   his neck and getting undressed when you say it, it’s one thing. If you’re
   saying it while throwing dishes at his head and walking out the door, it
   means something else entirely.

3. “Meet me in the bedroom.” Or, “I’ll be in the bedroom.” This is best said
   in lingerie or naked, and while on your way to the bedroom. If your guy doesn’t
   respond to this one, get yourself a new guy.

4. “Would you like to take a shower with me?” Who doesn’t love showering
   together? C’mon.

5. “You have to do everything I say.” This one’s very open ended, and for a
   reason. It makes guys excited and a little nervous. They don’t know what’s
   coming next. But don’t use it to make him mow the lawn or pick your Mom up
   at the airport. It’s better suited for a little game or roleplay. As
   mentioned above, a favorite is the “I’m gonna tease you but you can’t touch
   me” game. You wanna whip a guy up into a frenzy, you show him the goods and
   tell him he can’t have ‘em.

So yes, you don’t have to be dirty and gross and ask “Who’s your momma” to
get a guy turned on. By the way, any mention of his mother probably
wouldn’t be a good thing. You don’t need whips, chains, dirty magazines or
movies, another person (a different column entirely) or anything but YOU to
get your guy hot and bothered.

In case you forgot, that’s how you got him in the first place.