Some men are drawn to disturbed and disturbing women. They find this exciting and stimulating, despite the difficulties that come along. Also, they can then use this as an excuse for not staying too long. This kind of relationship protects them from intimacy. It also protects them from having to focus upon themselves.

Others crave relationships where the sexual chemistry is intense. “From the day I moved in it we were making love morning, noon and night”, John said. “I felt powerful and on the edge. But, when that started to wane, there was nothing else left. She was just an ordinary person and I was just an ordinary guy as well. I kept trying to change the situation, to get her to lose some weight and become exciting like she used to be. That backfired. Before long I was gone.”

For many men (and also women), there is a deep, inbred belief that the other person is the source of their excitement and must keep it going, or change for them. They view the person as an object to keep the excitement high.This represents a profound misunderstanding about the nature of adventure. True adventure comes from facing challenges that causes a person to grow. It is based upon a deep-seated mutual respect for who the person really is and who you are as well.

John’s initial excitement always turned into a low. He was using adventure in relationships to hide from the underlying sadness he carried inside. As Erich Fromm says in The Art of Loving, if a person is attached to another person because they cannot feel good and alive on their own, the relationship may be a lifesaver, but the relationship is not one of love.

For others adventure means having lots of women, not staying long with any of them. When Warren was asked what made do this he said, “Well, I had the wanderlust and the grass was always greener somewhere else. But I never left for anyone else. I always knew there were plenty of women out there waiting for me.”

Having all those different woman was a thrill for him. Each woman touched off something new within. “When you meet a new person, you’re entering a whole new world” he said. “And when you’re on the chase and there’s a new person, there’s a lot of passion involved. You don’t get that in a marriage. Those are nice things to experience – you feel vital and alive and men long for that.”

For Warren, his single life and sexual freedom was life giving, loving. When he left he didn’t see himself as leaving the women, but enjoying them fully and then moving on. He never approached them looking for a longer term commitment. The relationship just was what it was.

When asked what made him commit in a relationship and feel good being there, he said, “A woman really has to be her own person and not too needy. I don’t get off on the fact that the woman is dependent upon me. Also when a woman gives too much approval, goes along with everything I want, I feel stifled and want to go. In a way they are saying, look at all I am doing for you; you have to do the same in return. They give no breathing room.”

It is important for both women and men to be aware if the person they are with craves adventure or if they do. Below are some guidelines on how to handle it:

FOR WOMEN

Be yourself. Don’t change to please them. It never works. Realize that when this man is restless, bored, pr needs space to explore, it’s his need for adventure, not a rejection of who you are. Listen carefully if a man tells you to back off. These men mean it. Keep yourself interesting and challenging.You need growth and adventure, too. When the time comes to go, let him go graciously. Holding on only backfires.

FOR MEN

Make sure you choose a woman who can respect your need for adventure and is not looking for security in the relationship. Find women who are challenging to you in positive ways. A woman who is constantly growing can be a source of ongoing stimulation. Realize that there are many aspects of life that can be changed and renewed. It doesn’t always have to be your partner. Changing one partner for another can be a camouflage for real change. The greatest adventure is finding out who you truly are, and living from your highest values. The thrill of this discovery never wears thin.

While at her apartment, he gets too aggressive, and Renee fends him off by demonstrating her kick-boxing skills. He requires a trip to the hospital, and Renee, a deputy district attorney, faces assault charges.

Renee is a master (mistress might be a better word) of flirtation, but, unfortunately, she sends the wrong message by being too forward.

In real life, women use body language to let men know they are interested. The February issue of Psychology Today contained two articles on flirting. It mentioned techniques women use such as casting coy glances, hiking their skirts to reveal more of their legs and moistening their lips. Such behavior may be appropriate in a dark bar or cocktail lounge, but is not suited for the day-to-day interactions with members of the opposite sex. Like Renee, flirts could be sending the wrong message.

Women can send genuine signals to men that that they want to meet them, without coming across as flirtatious, too forward and perceived as being “easy.” The following approaches should apply to women in a variety of environments: the sandwich shop near the office, the supermarket, the library, the walking/jogging path in a park, the doctor’s office or other places that are not threatening (such as a bar) or staged (a singles event). The approaches work for me but not necessarily for other men.

First of all, a woman can seize the initiative by striking up a conversation with a man whom she sees in public and finds attractive. If you are in a casual location such as a deli, invite him to sit next to you. In a short conversation, you can find out a lot about him and determine whether you want to get to him better. By skillfully asking questions, you can find out quickly whether he is available for a potential relationship.

Maintain eye contact and smile. In short, act interested.
If you lose interest, find a way to end your conversation while staying polite. The line “It was nice to talk to you” or variations of it work for me. But if you would like to get to know him better and possibly go out for a date, drop hints. Tell him where you work and offer him your business card. If he hands you his business card and you feel uncomfortable about calling, you might write him a brief note listing a work or home phone number and urge him to call you if he plans to be in the neighborhood.

If he asks for your phone number and you feel reluctant to oblige him, you might offer your work or pager numbers or e-mail address. Birth control gave women more control of their bodies. With new technology, you can maintain more control of your personal life. For instance, with Caller ID you can screen incoming phone calls. With e-mail, you can ignore annoying messages and contact the Web administrator if the messages get threatening.

I met a woman nearly four years ago in a take-out restaurant who demonstrated some of the above skills. She looked at me, smiled and motioned for me to sit down next to her while she awaited her order. Otherwise, I may have smiled at her, said “hello” and gone about my routine. There was something about “Cherrie” (not her real name). She was in her mid- to late-30s, had girl-next-door good looks and was charming. She laughed at my jokes. Like me, she was a writer. In any case, I felt comfortable enough to ask her for her phone number, before she left to join her sister. However, Cherrie gave the polite brush-off: “I don’t give out my phone number.” She may have been cautious, or was turned off by the fact that I was between jobs at the time.
Cherrie may have mastered her social skills at Hollywood cocktail parties. Other women can learn from her.

By being friendly with a man and sending signals that you may want to go out with him, you are not telling him that you are “easy.” If you are bold enough to start a conversation with a stranger, you can assert yourself on a date and tell a man that you do not want to see him again. Learn from Cherrie and Renee.